This is it for me. I have become the thing I most feared and most hated about myself. I am a monster now.
I have been traveling a lot lately. It started out with time abroad, trips here and there. I wanted to see the world, and somehow I ended up wanting to experiment with a new way of life. I wanted to see how the others lived, which isn't so bad. I was curious, but mostly I watched from afar, never really partook in their lifestyles although they were usually more than welcoming. Most of the vampires I visited were friends of Carlisle's.
The worst part is when I let my depression get the best of me, and I sought out the worst of these wretched humans and sought revenge among them. I took out my anger on them.
I didn't bite them, or eat them, or whatever you might want to call it. I destroyed them. I killed them, and tortured some of them. I made them feel the worst kinds of fear. All of them deserved it. They were rapists, murderers, and worse. The lowest of human lifeforms. And I took every bad feeling I ever had and used it against them.
I thought it would make me feel better. I told myself for a while that I was using my talents and abilities for good, like a superhero or something. Seeking out the bad and getting justice. Hearing the thoughts of the horrible and using them against them to destroy them. Except I was blinded. A man can only be blinded for so long. Eventually it wore away, and I was left with the truth. I had become just like these men, killing for sport, causing fear and pain. Just because they were not innocent did not make it right.
Once I realized that I sank deeper into my depression for a while and isolated myself further. I stopped my travels and hid out, trying to decide my future for myself. The decision as to whether or not I should get myself destroyed weighed heavily on my shoulders. I really wanted to get some peace, and my own destruction seemed like the only way to get any form of peace in this world.
I realized that no longer existing wasn't exactly peace, though. And then my answer seemed clear. I wanted to go home. So right now I am on my journey back to Carlisle. To explain to him the things I have done and look at the shame in his face. I am certain I will hear disappointment in his voice when I tell him where I have been for these few years, but that is what I must face. I owe him at least that. It is time to return to where I belong.
I have been traveling a lot lately. It started out with time abroad, trips here and there. I wanted to see the world, and somehow I ended up wanting to experiment with a new way of life. I wanted to see how the others lived, which isn't so bad. I was curious, but mostly I watched from afar, never really partook in their lifestyles although they were usually more than welcoming. Most of the vampires I visited were friends of Carlisle's.
The worst part is when I let my depression get the best of me, and I sought out the worst of these wretched humans and sought revenge among them. I took out my anger on them.
I didn't bite them, or eat them, or whatever you might want to call it. I destroyed them. I killed them, and tortured some of them. I made them feel the worst kinds of fear. All of them deserved it. They were rapists, murderers, and worse. The lowest of human lifeforms. And I took every bad feeling I ever had and used it against them.
I thought it would make me feel better. I told myself for a while that I was using my talents and abilities for good, like a superhero or something. Seeking out the bad and getting justice. Hearing the thoughts of the horrible and using them against them to destroy them. Except I was blinded. A man can only be blinded for so long. Eventually it wore away, and I was left with the truth. I had become just like these men, killing for sport, causing fear and pain. Just because they were not innocent did not make it right.
Once I realized that I sank deeper into my depression for a while and isolated myself further. I stopped my travels and hid out, trying to decide my future for myself. The decision as to whether or not I should get myself destroyed weighed heavily on my shoulders. I really wanted to get some peace, and my own destruction seemed like the only way to get any form of peace in this world.
I realized that no longer existing wasn't exactly peace, though. And then my answer seemed clear. I wanted to go home. So right now I am on my journey back to Carlisle. To explain to him the things I have done and look at the shame in his face. I am certain I will hear disappointment in his voice when I tell him where I have been for these few years, but that is what I must face. I owe him at least that. It is time to return to where I belong.
Labels:
Before Twilight
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Carlisle Cullen
,
Depressed
,
Edward Cullen
,
Esme Cullen
,
Twilight
,
Vampires
