Fading

by Jessica L

Its been a couple of months since the party, and things seem to have died down a bit.  The Cullen kids, as we are most often referred to, are no longer the main source of gossip among our peers at school.  We take up the majority of our lunch table with our bodies and our backpacks, and ignore any occasional fool who sits anywhere we can't cover up, so our group of five is pretty much left alone.  Alice makes isolated conversations with students here and there in class, but we keep to ourselves in the hallways, just like we usually did.  For the most part, things are normal, as if the party never happened, and the gossip never got out of control.

Funny how humans work.  Something will be the center of focus for a while, but it gets boring and something new comes along to take its place.  We were sort of like that.  Carlisle had considered moving again, but no-one really wanted to leave so quickly after getting here, and it isn't that bad of a place, really, better than some of the others we have been, so we decided to ride it out.  Alice was a main factor in that decision.  She couldn't see anything going bad if we decided to stay, so we did.

As far as the little group of girls that followed me around, I got creative with that one.  One by one, I got them all matched up with various members of the basketball team.  The girls weren't the most popular, but were all fairly pretty in their own sorts, so it wasn't hard once I laid down the ground work.  A few notes placed in the right places, a little gossip spread here and there, and it was easy.  I had a little help from Alice and Emmett of course.  They helped spread the gossip to the right places, get things overheard and so forth.

One or two of the girls still think of me from time to time, like that crush that just didn't die out, but for the most part they are focused on their new boyfriends, making sure they attend the basketball games and show support.  It makes things a lot easier for me, I don't have to block out thoughts of myself kissing various girls, or getting put in awkward positions in bedrooms while fathers are downstairs thinking we are going over geometry.  Gross.  Why girls' minds work the way they do I will never understand, even after thousands and thousands of years, I am sure of it.

At any rate, since we are seniors here, we have to get interested in the whole college thing.  Rose and Emmett are going to attend the Mountain State right here in town, and Alice and Jasper are going to go to the bigger Marshal University half an hour away.  I have absolutely no idea where to go.  I am taking it a little more seriously because it might actually provide me with some education I haven't seen multiple times already.  It could possibly be interesting.  Do I want something new and exciting? Or do I want something traditional and established?  I am so unsure, but I am used to that feeling.

I spend my life not knowing what I want or how to go about getting anywhere in particular.  I follow the rest of my family along, while they have their matches, their identities, and what they feel makes them them but here I sit, unsure of who I am, bouncing from hobby to hobby and book to book and wondering who I am and what is missing.  The worst part is that there is no end in sight.  And what happens if the end does finally come?  Do I burn in hell?  Surely there is no heaven for a monster like me.  Especially not after the things I have done in my life.  I suppose the only thing I can do is keep searching for whatever it is I am searching for. Perhaps I will find it in college.  Ha.  At least it will be a new experience, as we do not get many of those when you live as long as we do.

I suppose that is all for now.  Time to go downstairs and find something to do to take my mind off of myself and my endless wallowing.  I seem to like that word.  Wallowing.  It encompasses me.  Oh well.  Until another time.
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