Inconsequential

by Jessica L

I cant hardly stand it- this life of mine.  If you can call it a life.  I don't know how Carlisle can take it.  Well, I do actually, because I've heard it in his thoughts.  He sees the world so much differently than I do.  If he had known for even one second the disdain for which I would have held this life, he never would have saved me.

Keeping this promise to my mother was the worst thing he has ever done.  I have nothing to live this eternal life for.  It has been hard to keep these thoughts from him.  Almost impossible.  When you can see everything inside someone's head, and you spend each moment of the day with them it is easy to share everything and keep no secrets.  He has often pulled me from the depths of despair.

Perhaps that is why journaling comes so easily to me.  I have so much to say, and no-one to say it to.  My only true friend feels guilty for bringing me into this dark world, and cannot always keep me on the right side of the line.  Sometimes it seems almost impossible to live life Carlisle's way.  He made a promise to my mother and I intend to help him keep it.  It has only been a couple of years since I have been this thing, this vampire, and time goes by fast, or so it seems.  But in a sense, it also drags on.

I don't understand how he can so easily choose this lifestyle and yet he cannot understand how I am struggling so hard.  My struggle is not with tasting human blood, that part is easy.  My struggle is with staying alive.  I do not want to be here.  I would rather cease to exist at all than live life as a monster.  I was designed to feed on human beings.  My mother is gone.  My life as I know it, all of my friends, my home, my life, gone.  I cannot seem to let go and yet I have so little to hold onto.  A few trinkets and a couple photographs.  One of my mother, one of my grandmother, and one of me as a baby.

I have fallen into a deeper depression each year, it seems.  The days blend into the nights and do not stop.  Time for a vampire goes quickly, however for me it drags on endlessly because I do not want this life.  I don't want to be here, nor do I want anything life has to offer me.  I am dragging on, like a spoiled child being dragged through the candy store after her father refuses to buy one last soda.  I am kicking and screaming, and Carlisle is dragging me on.

We had a long talk the other night, when the world was sleeping.  We- of course- do not sleep.  Vampires do not need sleep, so we continue on through the night.  There are many things we do not need, in fact.  It is the lack of sleep that I find the hardest, however.  The extra time on my hands has been difficult to handle.  I do not always know what to do with myself.  Carlisle has his work with the hospital, and that keeps him busy, gives him a purpose.  I have no purpose.

Carlisle has told me that he often wonders if saving me was a good idea.  I have seen this in his thoughts many times already, of course.  Hearing him say it out loud filled me with shame, however.  He brought me a suggestion: he wants to find me a mate.  It might be a good idea, although I do not know how I could ever find love in a world so dark, so full of nothing.  He is certain that there is someone out there for me, and does not want me to give up on the world.

Maybe I should take up another hobby.  I am running out of things to do to fill my time.  I have read many books and seen many places.  I saw a beautiful piano in a storefront the other day that caught my eye.  Perhaps I will go take a look.  I have always had a fondness for music.
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Photobucket