Inconsequential


I cant hardly stand it- this life of mine.  If you can call it a life.  I don't know how Carlisle can take it.  Well, I do actually, because I've heard it in his thoughts.  He sees the world so much differently than I do.  If he had known for even one second the disdain for which I would have held this life, he never would have saved me.

Keeping this promise to my mother was the worst thing he has ever done.  I have nothing to live this eternal life for.  It has been hard to keep these thoughts from him.  Almost impossible.  When you can see everything inside someone's head, and you spend each moment of the day with them it is easy to share everything and keep no secrets.  He has often pulled me from the depths of despair.

Perhaps that is why journaling comes so easily to me.  I have so much to say, and no-one to say it to.  My only true friend feels guilty for bringing me into this dark world, and cannot always keep me on the right side of the line.  Sometimes it seems almost impossible to live life Carlisle's way.  He made a promise to my mother and I intend to help him keep it.  It has only been a couple of years since I have been this thing, this vampire, and time goes by fast, or so it seems.  But in a sense, it also drags on.

I don't understand how he can so easily choose this lifestyle and yet he cannot understand how I am struggling so hard.  My struggle is not with tasting human blood, that part is easy.  My struggle is with staying alive.  I do not want to be here.  I would rather cease to exist at all than live life as a monster.  I was designed to feed on human beings.  My mother is gone.  My life as I know it, all of my friends, my home, my life, gone.  I cannot seem to let go and yet I have so little to hold onto.  A few trinkets and a couple photographs.  One of my mother, one of my grandmother, and one of me as a baby.

I have fallen into a deeper depression each year, it seems.  The days blend into the nights and do not stop.  Time for a vampire goes quickly, however for me it drags on endlessly because I do not want this life.  I don't want to be here, nor do I want anything life has to offer me.  I am dragging on, like a spoiled child being dragged through the candy store after her father refuses to buy one last soda.  I am kicking and screaming, and Carlisle is dragging me on.

We had a long talk the other night, when the world was sleeping.  We- of course- do not sleep.  Vampires do not need sleep, so we continue on through the night.  There are many things we do not need, in fact.  It is the lack of sleep that I find the hardest, however.  The extra time on my hands has been difficult to handle.  I do not always know what to do with myself.  Carlisle has his work with the hospital, and that keeps him busy, gives him a purpose.  I have no purpose.

Carlisle has told me that he often wonders if saving me was a good idea.  I have seen this in his thoughts many times already, of course.  Hearing him say it out loud filled me with shame, however.  He brought me a suggestion: he wants to find me a mate.  It might be a good idea, although I do not know how I could ever find love in a world so dark, so full of nothing.  He is certain that there is someone out there for me, and does not want me to give up on the world.

Maybe I should take up another hobby.  I am running out of things to do to fill my time.  I have read many books and seen many places.  I saw a beautiful piano in a storefront the other day that caught my eye.  Perhaps I will go take a look.  I have always had a fondness for music.

Family


Well, I am not really sure how it happened.  Our pair of vampires has become a trio.  Carlisle had seen a woman in the morgue and insisted he change her for some reason or another, and of course the idea made me nervous, as my feelings of being a vampire aren't the greatest.  The next thing I knew, however, Esme was one of us.  She is a wonderful woman.  She is kind, caring, warm.  The way she takes care of us already comes out in everything she does. 


Her story is rather interesting, she is fairly young, and had just given birth to a son.  Her son died shortly after birth, and in the distress of losing her baby, Esme threw herself off of a cliff in an attempt to commit suicide.  Upon all appearances, her attempt was successful- they even took her body to the morgue, but Carlisle saw her, and heard her heart faintly beating.  Being an attractive woman with an obviously strong will to survive- he decided to spare her life and seize this rare opportunity, giving her immortality.

Carlisle seems to have loved her from the moment he saw her in the morgue.  I am not sure how that is possible, as I do not understand either women, nor love.  Women and I do not seem to have a fondness for each other.  That is not to say that there are not beautiful women in this world, for there certainly are.  I think that perhaps I have just grown so disgusted with myself that I do not feel as though I deserve love, nor could I ever give love to anyone else. 



I am not sure if I will ever know love in this lifetime of mine.  I am- after all- doomed to live for eternity.  I did not know a woman's love during my human life, for I was 17 when I died, which was not particularly young, but not old enough to have experienced much of the world.  Of course, many people court and find love in their late teens and early twenties, however it was only my parents and I, and my responsibilities were enough to keep me grounded and tied down as it were.  Love was the least of my concerns.  


Now that I am a vampire, I hear the thoughts of the women around me and I know that they are attracted to me.  I went through phases, first I was embarrassed by the attention, then I was flattered and even enjoyed it.  However, before I could really get to the point where I would have taken any sort of advantage of my looks, which are enhanced by my vampire abilities, Carlisle explained to me that my attractive qualities are purely a ploy, a tactic designed to lure my prey.  The mere thought made me sick for a long time.  Just one more reason to be considered a monster.


The one thing that neither Carlisle nor I expected was the feelings that would emerge between Esme and Carlisle once Esme finished changing.  It was incredibly powerful and something neither of them can deny either to themselves or each other.  I have never believed in soul mates before but the intensity of the feelings I hear in their thoughts about one another has changed my beliefs of that subject entirely in a very short period of time.  These two are certainly meant to be together.  Perhaps one of the reasons he found her in the morgue- or chose her, I should say- is because he already had some of the attraction for her in her human form that he now feels for her as a vampire.  It seems as though they are connected on a level deeper than I can understand, and sometimes I wonder if there is something Carlisle has not told me.  I can almost hear it in his thoughts, but yet it is not quite there.  It is frustrating.


The passion between them is so strong, it is very likely unbreakable.  Any separation of the two would probably cause unsurmountable pain for them both.  My guess is that if one were destroyed the other would follow along and do their best to join the other in the nothingness that we become after this eternity ends.  It is any wonder why Carlisle wants to find me a mate, this feeling between them is incredible.  


Carlisle has seen this before, naturally.  Since I am a young vampire, I have not.  There is so much more that Carlisle knows that I don't.  Needless to say, if Carlisle could be considered my father, at least in a vampire sense, I now have a mother as well.  At least, she dotes on me, taking care of me.  Carlisle's worries about me are now doubled within her as well, and she takes extra care to be sweet to me and coddle me and my every need as a mother would.  I must admit, it has been a very long time since I have felt a mother's love and it is a nice feeling.  I do not mind having Esme around and her presence is warm and soothing.

It does not completely fill this black ache inside me but it helps to have another soul around to keep me busy. On that note, I bought the piano a while back and isn't it ironic, Esme can play a little bit.  She has been teaching me the basics, but I am learning fast so I believe I will have to get a more professional source of teaching soon.  I have a few connections down south that are wonderful musicians, perhaps I will travel a while and see if they need a new pianist to come bother them.  I am loving this new talent of mine, I am finding music to be very comforting.

Isle Esme


The love between Carlisle and Esme is unbelieveable.  One would think that their endless joy and happiness would rub off on me, but for some reason it only makes me feel worse.  I am glad that they have found each other.  I would never hold that against them.  Yet at the same time, the intensity between them leaves me feeling lonely and even more in despair.  


I have been traveling in order to keep myself busy.  It seems to help keep my mind and body occupied.  I have visited many different vampire friends.  Most do not live the same lifestyle as Carlisle and I do, and now Esme.  That does not particularly bother me, to each their own.  I hunt in nearby woods, or sometimes rivers or lakes.  There is always abundant supplies of food for me, as vampires tend to live in areas of seclusion.  


The change of scenery has done me good.  I have been to several states of the U.S., Mexico, and Greece.  Perhaps next month I will visit a friend of Carlisle's down in Australia.  He is a fairly wild one, however, so I am not sure if he will be easily found.  He will be guaranteed to show me an interesting time, and I hear that there are some interesting animals down south.


Before I left, Carlisle and Esme had a small ceremony to officially make their union a "marriage."  If there is such a thing in the vampire world.  It was Esme's idea.  She wanted to wear a pretty dress, and have flowers hung around the yard.  Carlisle was very accommodating, of course, and eager to make Esme happy.  He wore a tuxedo, and we had a local priest preside over the service as though we were actually human.  It was something to remember.  Vampires have excellent memories.  


As a gift, Carlisle had a surprise for Esme.  He took her to a special island that he bought just for her.  I am not sure anyone has ever been so kind or generous to her before.  From what I understand it was the greatest and best gift she has ever received.  The island is quite beautiful.  The sand is soft and white, and the plants are green and full.  There are plenty of flowers to bloom and trees to grow tall and wide.  I believe it is by the Rio Grande somewhere.  I have not seen it myself yet but have often heard her thinking about it and longing to return.  They are planning to build a grand house on it.  Carlisle is calling it Isle Esme.  It makes her blush but she seems to like it.  


While I was away, they spent quite some time camping on Isle Esme.  They made a lot of plans about the house they were going to build and the things they wanted to do.  Esme thinks about it quite often.  It is part of the reason I keep traveling.  There are some thoughts I don't like to hear.  I try and shut them out as much as I can, but sometimes it cant be helped.  So, while the two lovebirds get used to life as a twosome, I will give them their space.  


I think I will go check on that Aussie friend after all.  Perhaps I will see about these boxing kangaroos that are supposed to be so legendary.  I have never been there before, and am always up for a new adventure.  It will at least be something to talk about when I get back.  

Monster Come True

This is it for me.  I have become the thing I most feared and most hated about myself.  I am a monster now.  


I have been traveling a lot lately.  It started out with time abroad, trips here and there.  I wanted to see the world, and somehow I ended up wanting to experiment with a new way of life.  I wanted to see how the others lived, which isn't so bad.  I was curious, but mostly I watched from afar, never really partook in their lifestyles although they were usually more than welcoming.  Most of the vampires I visited were friends of Carlisle's.  


The worst part is when I let my depression get the best of me, and I sought out the worst of these wretched humans and sought revenge among them.  I took out my anger on them. 


I didn't bite them, or eat them, or whatever you might want to call it.  I destroyed them.  I killed them, and tortured some of them.  I made them feel the worst kinds of fear.  All of them deserved it.  They were rapists, murderers, and worse.  The lowest of human lifeforms.  And I took every bad feeling I ever had and used it against them.  


I thought it would make me feel better.  I told myself for a while that I was using my talents and abilities for good, like a superhero or something.  Seeking out the bad and getting justice.  Hearing the thoughts of the horrible and using them against them to destroy them.  Except I was blinded.  A man can only be blinded for so long.  Eventually it wore away, and I was left with the truth.  I had become just like these men, killing for sport, causing fear and pain.  Just because they were not innocent did not make it right.  


Once I realized that I sank deeper into my depression for a while and isolated myself further.  I stopped my travels and hid out, trying to decide my future for myself.  The decision as to whether or not I should get myself destroyed weighed heavily on my shoulders.  I really wanted to get some peace, and my own destruction seemed like the only way to get any form of peace in this world.  


I realized that no longer existing wasn't exactly peace, though.  And then my answer seemed clear.  I wanted to go home.  So right now I am on my journey back to Carlisle.  To explain to him the things I have done and look at the shame in his face.  I am certain I will hear disappointment in his voice when I tell him where I have been for these few years, but that is what I must face.  I owe him at least that.  It is time to return to where I belong.

Another One


Things have been interesting around here lately.  I have given up on the way things used to be between my former self and my new self.  The things I have done during my travels and time abroad have changed me forever.  My fears of what I am- who I am- have manifested themselves and I have allowed myself to become my own worst enemy.  I am battling that every day and working hard on moving past the things I have done so that I can be a better Edward.  Carlisle has complete faith in me, naturally.  How he can even welcome me back into his home I do not understand.  That man is truly the saint everyone says he is.  He has become more of a father to me than ever before.

We have moved again, and found a new home in Rochester, New York.  It is nice here, I suppose.  Another place, new faces, like always.  I am used to it.  Carlisle and Esme are pretending to be brother and sister in public here, rather than husband and wife, which causes some strain on their daytime hours, but we manage.  We are a family, after all.  Carlisle is working during the day most days anyways.

Esme has been quite impressed by how fast I have learned to play piano, to have something positive to say, at least.  I have gone from playing piano to composing my own songs.  Writing music and then playing it out has been a great outlet for me.  It lifts some of the dark feelings and makes me feel as though I have a talent at something, a purpose.  I have even started writing Esme a song of her own, although it isn't nearly finished.

That isn't the interesting part of my life, however.  What is interesting is that we found a half-dead girl lying in the alley.  Well, Carlisle wanted to save her of course.  We thought some thugs had roughed her up and left her for dead, but they didn't do the job quite right because she wasn't dead enough.  She was fighting for her life.  She was quite the fighter, in fact.  Rosalie Hale, the most beautiful girl in town.  I had to hear all about it in her thoughts as she lay bleeding on the pavement.  She couldn't believe that she was dying, so young, so beautiful, without a child, without a family of her own.  Jealous of some girl and her baby, jealous of everyone who had what she didn't even though she was more beautiful than most and she knew it.  She coveted her own beauty.  

Her beauty was half of the reason I wanted to leave her lying there.  Surely someone was going to recognize her.  We were going to have to move.  Leave town.  I knew the second I suggested leaving her there that Carlisle had already made up his mind.  Her change didn't take long though, and soon we were on our way to find our new home.  

Rosalie didn't like me.  She mistook my wanting to leave her for dead as not liking her, and added to that the fact that I wasn't attracted to her and resented me for it.  Not to say she isn't beautiful, because everyone in the free world knows she is.  But like every other woman in this world, she means nothing more to me than anyone else.  

Carlisle wants me to give her a chance.  She is part of our family now, he says.  That is fine.  My sister, Rosalie Hale.  She has already taken revenge on those who left her for dead.  The men we thought were thugs were actually her fiance and his friends.  Another reason I do not need a mate.  If that is love, I can live without it.  

How she was capable of murdering seven people- her fiance, the four friends that helped attack her (I will spare the details here)- and her fiance's two bodyguards- without succumbing to the smell of blood, is beyond me.  As a newborn, she should have been overwhelmed by it, and gone wild with thirst.  She was apparently controlled, and with purpose, however.  I was impressed, as I have done similar things in the past.  Of course, I am over these sort of inhuman acts, and hopefully this will be the last of Rosalie's.  At least now we have something in common though.  We both know how it feels to try and right a wrong with another wrong, and still feel wrong.

She has eased up on me a little bit in the past few days, perhaps I should do the same.  A little give a take wouldn't hurt anyone.  And I will stop reading her thoughts.  All of the "Poor Me"s and "I Look Lovely Today"s are wearing on my nerves.

Poor Rosalie


I cant help but feel bad for Rosalie.  She is so sad, so lonely.  I thought I was having a hard time.  She keeps thinking of the family she will never have.  The little boy with curly hair, and her best friend, who was the boy's mother.  These two seem to have been very close to her, and she is not only jealous of them and their love for one another, but she longs for what they have.  She wishes she too could have a child.  


Vampires become infertile once their bodies take on the change to immortality.  Carlisle has explained this to her in full already, several times.  When your body changes, everything stops. Your heart stops, your veins stop pumping blood, and a woman vampire's body stops going through its monthly cycle.  No cycle, no period, no fertility.  No baby.


This was the hardest thing for Rosalie to adjust to.  Perhaps the only hard thing for Rosalie to adjust to.  She loved her new looks, the way vampirism enhanced her beauty.  She loved the speed, the agility of our kind.  She didn't even mind the thirst, the agonizing thirst.  She had fairly little trouble feeding off of animals, although I have to admit, for a woman she is a great hunter.  Esme hunts like a timid girl.  Rosalie hunts like it is a sport, a game.  She anticipates it, enjoys it.  Then again, she is the competitive type.


Her depression seems to give us a connection though.  Although she still seems bitter that I am not attracted to her, among other things, we have gotten past that somewhat and seem to get along a little better.  At least, we do not completely hate each other anymore.  So I would like to say we are making progress.


I have finished Esme's song.  She loves it, of course.  I am more critical of it, but Esme says that is only because it is my piece, and I am going to criticize my own work more harshly than anyone else.  Even Carlisle enjoys listening to it.  I play it every night.  It helps pass the time, and I tend to run out of things to do and get bored with myself.


I suppose I should close the book on tonight, and come back another time, as I am due for a good long walk.  Perhaps some scenery and fresh air will do me good.  Rosalie still insists on wearing her perfume from her human life, and my vampire sense of smell just cant stand it.  It's some flowery, musky thing from some expensive store that her fiance bought her as a gift, and she can't bear to part with it.  I understand, it just smells awful.  In fact, the more I think about it, the longer a walk I think I might take.  A good hunt might do as well.  I could use a break from the Cullen house for a few hours.

Esme's Story


I have been hearing Esme struggle to remember things about her human life lately.  Some of them were about the baby she had, and some of them were about her parents and her childhood.  Most were normal things a person- or vampire- would want to remember from their life.  Some of them, however, seemed rather upsetting.  So I sat down with Esme, my vampire mother of sorts, and had a very heartwarming talk.  She told me many things, in them I learned the story of her past.


When Esme was a child, she was fairly happy, sheltered, and had no real complaints.  She lived with her parents on a small farm outside Columbus, Ohio. The thing Carlisle has been hiding in his thoughts lately?  Esme broke her arm when she was 16, and the local doctor was on vacation so her parents took her into Columbus to be treated.  That was in 1911, and Carlisle had been a doctor there for a while, and had treated Esme.  He remembered her in the morgue when he found her.  


Anyways, her farm life was simple, and she was happy.  All of her friends married before her, and she had no real desire to follow along- although she was very open to the idea of falling in love if the right man had come along.  She wanted to be a school teacher.  Her father disagreed, however, telling her how innapropriate it would be for a lady to live on her own, when already she had a possible suitor.  There was a family friend who had a son her age, willing to court her.  His name was Charles Evenson, and he was nice enough, but there were no sparks flying between them.  She didn't like nor dislike him.  Under pressure from her parents, she decided to marry Charles.  


The marriage quickly turned bad.  He was a very angry person inside, and took his anger out on her.  He hit her whenever he found reason, which was often.  She went to her parents for help, but their help consisted of telling her that a good wife was a quiet and helpful wife.  Charles was drafted after a while, and she welcomed his absence with the peace it brought.  Unfortunately, it only lasted so long, before he returned and his beatings resumed.  (It is a shame I did not come along yet when Esme were being beaten, how I would have like to have sought out this man when I was in my revenge-seeking phase.)


Before long, she was with child.  It was wonderful news to Esme.  Not only was she going to have a child, but it was her reason to run away from Charles.  She would never allow an innocent child to see or feel the abuse Charles inflicted upon her.  She had a second cousin in Milwaukee who helped her out for a while, but her parents found out she was there, so she had to go further north.  She was determined, and she is a very strong woman.


Since the country was in time of war, it was fairly easy to pretend she was a war widow, and she found work as a school teacher.  She was happy for the first time in a long time.  Relief was upon her.  Unfortunately, relief was short.  Her pregnancy went by fast and her baby died of a lung infection only a few days after birth.  She felt completely lost.  


She tried to continue on for a while, an empty barren woman, with no purpose to life.  It is amazing how much I feel I have in common with the old Esme and how she felt, like she lost purpose with her life, and how I lost purpose with mine.  The difference between us is that she was able to throw herself off of a cliff to end her suffering.  I know that part of the story already, because that is when she was taken to the hospital and Carlisle found her and changed her.  


She is a happy vampire now.  It makes me re-examine the way I look at things.  She continues on with her life now.  Happy and in love.  She has let go of the sadness in her life and carried on, with so many bright days before her, grateful for the second chance at life and what she has been given.  She wonders why I cannot do the same.  It makes me wonder as well.  






Source: http://twilightlexicon.com/2006/03/11/personal-correspondance-1/

Foolish Bear


At the least you could say Rosalie is happy now.  Esme says I am doing better now, too, although I like to think I am still wallowing in my self-pity.  Why I let myself get me down, I am not sure, but I do.


Anyways, we have added a new Cullen to the bunch.  It was a rather interesting story.  We were out hunting, the four of us, Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle and I.  Esme was hanging back, letting Carlisle catch her something, like usual.  Rosalie was going in for the kill on something in the distance.  I wasn't really paying much attention to her, because a bear was in my peripheral view and I was going to sneak up on it.  Bears aren't really my preference but they are abundant in these woods and some days you just have to go for what you can get, and have fun with it.  Yes, I do have fun some of the time!


Before I could even read it in her thoughts, Rosalie was screaming for Carlisle.  I didn't understand, as it took forever for me to read her thoughts.   We huddled around her, and she was cradling a bloody human in her arms.  He had curly hair and was tall and strong looking, but not much else about him was discernible.  He had obviously been attacked by something, a bear probably.


Finally, I realized I couldn't read her thoughts because was because she had been so far away.  She had gone so far out, that she had to carry this boy to us- to Carlisle.  Scanning over the many things running through her mind, I realized she had brought this boy over a hundred miles in hopes to find Carlisle.  It had taken all her effort not to finish him off and drink his blood in the process.  An image of Henry, the small baby boy with curly hair and her best friend, Vera, also kept flashing through her mind.


She begged Carlisle to save him.  How could he refuse?  Carlisle did his best, and of course, was successful.  So now we have a new vampire, only two years after Rosalie joined us.  Our family keeps growing and growing.  At least now I have a hunting partner.  Not that Rosalie isn't a good hunter, but Emmett has something to offer.  Ironically, his favorite hunting subject is bears.  He plays with them.  Payback?  Its funny to watch.


Its also nice to have a brother around.  It helps to pass the time.  He took to the vampire life like it was the best thing that ever happened to him almost.  Rosalie and Emmett are obviously soul mates.  Again with the soul mates.  It makes me wonder if there is ever going to be anyone out there for me.  I am getting frustrated just thinking about it.


Emmett just threw a football at my head.  I think I should go wrestle him to the ground.  He knows he is stronger than me, especially as a newborn, but I can read his thoughts, which make our matches very interesting.  Time to have some fun!

Chiffon and Lace



The good thing about being a vampire for centuries is you can accumulate a lot of money.  Carlisle, having been a vampire since 1663, so for a little less than 300 years- give or take a few decades- has plenty of money to go around.  I have plenty of money myself as well.  I technically survived the influenza that killed both of my parents, at least on paper.  It was the only way that I could gather my families' belongings and make sure I took what belonged to my family and I with me.  I moved away shortly after the flu passed through, to live with my "Uncle Carlisle," who later helped me claim what belonged to me and my family- including our Chicago home, which I still own there.  

We also invest our money in a few small things here and there.  We make money on construction investments, coal, and other such things.  The Coopers and other families would be proud of the Cullens and our money skills, only we are smart enough to keep our names behind the scenes, as we need to be covert and hidden.

Anyways, Carlisle's money has recently gone to good use.  Rosalie has decided to throw a very decadent wedding.  Or perhaps I should say Esme and Carlisle are giving Rosalie and Emmett the wedding of the year.  It is going to be quite an affair.  Everyone who is anyone in town is going to be there, and then some.  Carlisle and Esme are both very excited.  Emmett is beyond proud, and very nervous at the same time.  He considers Rosalie to be his angel, the angel that saved him, and brought him into this incredible world.  He is proud to make her his wife.  Nervous also because any sane man would be nervous marrying Rosalie- she has a lot of expectations.  She has been talking about nothing but dresses, cakes, and flowers for weeks now.

It is rather comical, actually.  This wedding is already the talk of the town, and it is still weeks away.  She is ordering almost everything from other cities, some things even abroad.  Her dress is from Paris- and it is rather beautiful.  Her cake is from New York city, some fancy bakery shop.  Carlisle doesn't mind at all, of course, nothing but the finest.  He is thinking "How often will he get to throw a wedding for his "little girl" after all?"  What he doesn't know is that Rosalie is already planning for "next time."  Every time she has trouble choosing between this cake and that, this dress or that, she figures, "Oh well, there's always next time."

I am going to be the best man, of course.  I am somewhat excited, but not overly so.  It is going to be fun, I am sure.  The reception should be interesting at least, with the music and dancing.  A big fancy band is coming to play.  Rosalie wants nothing but the best of course.  I will be incredible.  We are having the wedding behind the house and already there are sketches laid out by florists of how the flowers are going to be hanging everywhere, and hanging lights, and everything else.  It will be a sight to see.

Aside from the wedding, not much else is going on.  We are all taking a much needed reprieve from life, focusing on the event before us, and enjoying the happiness of Rosalie and Emmett's upcoming marriage.  Or at least they are.  I am trying to be as happy as I can for them, and hoping that one day this life for me will not be so bleak.  I am running out of books to read at night and I am the only one here in this house without a partner.  It is wearing on my nerves.  Rosalie is being somewhat lady like at least, so that is good.  

Esme is getting almost as annoyed with the new couple as I am about their night-time activities though, and their wedding gift from Carlisle and Esme will be to get their own house.  I am greatly looking forward to that.  At the very least it will mean some peace for me.  I am still playing the piano, of course, and composing my own pieces, but nothing compares to Esme's song so far.  I tinker around with a few other subjects as well and am getting rather smart- or so Carlisle says.  I guess that's what happens when you have nothing but time on your hands.  I'm bored.  Such is life as a lonely vampire.  

Blissful Disaster


The wedding fell upon us like a day none of us will ever forget.  When I say none of us, I do not just mean the Cullens.  I mean the entire town.  It was a beautiful ceremony, which left many in tears.  It was an incredible reception.  There were flowers everywhere- white lilies with pale blue and light purple roses. Most were brought in from other cities and towns to make sure there were enough to cover everything.  It was decadent and fancy to say the least.  


The cake was five tiers high, each of a different flavor, and the style was exquisite.  It was white and round, and covered in flowers that matched the decor.  Even the spaces that didn't have flowers over it was decorated with dots, frosted ribbons and other extravagant decoration.  The cake was beautiful and extreme.  


Of course the entire town was there.  This was probably the worst part of the whole thing.  Being around a bunch of humans the most of the day, as the affair took up most of the afternoon and evening.  The smell tends to burn your throat with an aching thirst, and the more humans you are around the more unbearable it gets.  Rosalie insisted it be a huge event, however, and this meant that the entire town attend.  So we all went on a huge hunting trip right before the wedding and dealt with the thirst.  To be honest, we were so busy with everything, it wasn't too hard to shove the thirst to the back of our minds and deal with everything wedding related.  Rosalie's wedding was like a circus- a million things going on at once.


The band played perfectly and it was obvious that no expense was spared in the quality of the table cloths, the napkins or the silver.  The wedding was the talk of the town, and had been for weeks.  In fact, this caused quite a problem for the Cullens.  


To be fair, it wasn't only the wedding, but our presence lately had caused a stir in town because our growing "family" and its oddness was starting to bother people.  We had tried to remain low key for most of our time here, but the high class wedding blew that plan out of the water.  Any last threads of normalcy we had left after Rosalie and Emmett joined our group were gone once we threw their fancy ball-style wedding.


We decided it was time to pack up and move.  Carlisle says he knows of a great place on the other side of the country.  We were going to be west coast vampires for a while.  There is a fairly uncrowded area of Washington called Hoquaim, where it rains and stays cloudy more often than not.  This sounds like a great place for us to settle down for a while.  


We will need to pack quickly, as the buzz around town is growing rapidly about where our money comes from and why we are all so odd, why we act certain ways and where Emmett came from especially.  Apparently our cover story regarding Emmett wasn't as good as we thought.  In fact, I should probably get busy packing now, as Esme might try and help, and I don't want to hurt her feelings if she doesn't pack my books just right.  I am a little particular about the way I like them packed, as we have moved so many times now.  I am getting used to it.  So until another time then.

Fresh Start


Apparently, 1936's Hoquiam is not much different than the last time Carlisle passed through.  We are trying to settle down here, and make it our new home.  It is a nice area, quiet and serene.  There is not much here, there is a small town nearby which we can utilize for shopping and such, clothing and simple things.  We will mostly keep to ourselves here.  If anyone asks, Esme can tell them she teaches us our schooling herself, as that is not uncommon.  None of us are very eager to go back to school, and we will take any reprieve we can get from it, as we will probably have to go back to school again at some point in the future. 


Hoquiam and the areas surrounding it seems to be a very wooded area, and the hunting is plentiful and the people nearby are friendly.  It rains often here, and even when it doesn't rain, there are often clouds covering the sun.  It is perfect weather for us to spend our time here.  Perfect "vampire weather."  The few sunny days we are expecting can be used for hunting or to catch up on indoor hobbies and such, but for the most part we do not have to feel confined at all in this town.  I think I will like it here.    


No one seems bothered by us, except perhaps for the native tribe that has been here for many decades already.  They seemed very curious about our arrival almost immediately.  Carlisle already has plans to talk with their Chief if their thoughts do not settle down soon, which could be good or bad, depending on the Chief and his reactions to Carlisle.  Carlisle is very welcoming and very open.  He usually makes people feel at ease and reassures them quickly.  This is one reason he is a good doctor, despite his being a vampire.  Or perhaps it is simply a skill he acquired from being a doctor all of these years.  Either way, it comes in handy when we move to a new area.


We are already making the plans for our new house here.  There is a very old, run down house in the woods that Carlisle and Esme found while hunting our second day here.  Esme is dying to get her hands on it and restore the old thing.  I am sure that with her talent that it will be incredible.  She has a love and talent for architecture and remodeling.  Moving tends to be exciting for her for exactly that reason.  


Right now, Carlisle is staying in a rented apartment with Esme in town.  He is bringing his "late brother's children" with him as soon as his house is finished.  We will camp in the woods until then.  It will only be a couple of weeks.  It is fun to torture Rosalie with the lack of commodities and finer things she has grown accustomed to.  Emmett and I are being the typical boys and having fun with the idea of roughing it.  Carlisle is already working at the small, local doctor's office, and Esme is pouring her heart into the new house.


We all cannot wait until the house is finished. Emmett and Rosalie will have a room very separate from the rest of ours, and very far away from mine for sure.  I made that request clear to Esme right away.  Rosalie gets on my nerves as it is, the last thing I want to deal with is her and Emmett's late night activities.  Vampires are very good at finding things to do during the night hours- when they don't need to sleep.  


Unless they are lonely vampires without mates, like myself.  Which is fine, I do not need a mate, I need a soundproof room.  I have already brought some very heavy draperies to hang along the walls to help block out the sounds of the rest of the house.  Esme is also talking about a lot of big, bright windows, and bright white walls.  It sounds like it will be beautiful, and hopefully a place we can stay for a while.  I am getting bored of going from place to place, and it is not very populated here, so perhaps that will work in our favor.  Less minds to get worked up or question things.


Well, Carlisle is back from his first day at the doctor's office in town.  I can tell from his thoughts already that he is not happy, but he is trying not to give too much away with his thinking.  That is a bad sign.  I better go figure out what is going on.  Be back later to write more.

The Quileutes


The Quileutes are truly an amazing people.  A Native American tribe which has been in Washington for many, many years, they have overcome plenty of obstacles before us.  At least, that is how they see us.  As an obstacle, but not a major one.


Carlisle came back from his first day of working in the small doctor's office in town upset and disgruntled, which is very rare for Carlisle.  He had been confronted by an important member of the Quileute tribe- Levi Ulley- and asked to meet with some of its other members.  This made him very nervous, as we had just gotten here, and already we were attracting the wrong kinds of attention.  He had been here before and had no trouble, he explained, so he didn't see any reason to meet with anyone.  Levi didn't take no for an answer, however, and a meeting was set up.


I was able to follow Levi around town and through the La Push Indian Reservation for a while over the next few days and read his thoughts.  What I learned was both disturbing and calming at the same time.  First and foremost, the Quileutes (or at least their important members, such as their Chief and council) are very aware of who and what we are.  There were very old legends from ancestors of theirs, explaining in detail what we do and how to handle our weaknesses and take us down.  They didn't know everything about us, but they knew enough to cause some damage.


Second, they have a weapon to use against us.  They are able to shape shift.  Not exactly what you would consider to be a werewolf, but they definitely take the shape of a wolf.  They have been doing this shapeshifting for generations, when they feel their tribe is in danger, and it is a great weapon they can use against us.  They have great strength, regeneration, and the ability to read each other's minds, similar to myself.  I am not sure how all of that works, but it seems as though Levi is annoyed by some of his abilities, and pleased with others.  He cannot read anyone's mind who is not on the council, which is of interest to me.  I would love to learn more about this, but Carlisle thinks we have more important things to focus on than their mind reading abilities.


At any rate, the council feels threatened by our numbers and do not wish to cause a war with us.  Even four vampires can outrun and outfight whatever number of wolves they seem to have.  I am not sure how many they have, as I have not been able to follow them long enough to pinpoint a number or seen them shift.  I know that Carlisle has to meet with their leader, Ephriam Black, and their other members tomorrow and we are all very nervous about it- despite the tribe's own worries.


The Quileutes are very strong as a tribe, and in the past, before the Quinault Treaty in 1855, they often took prisoners of any white settlers who happened accross their land.  They are skilled warriors, smart, and brave.  They are excellent whale hunters, and craftsmen as well, which lends an upper hand when it comes to weaponry and boats.  Of course, most of these things do nothing in a fight against us, but they might not know that.  We might have to use any strengths we have and rely on any humanity we can play up.  Although it seems to me that with these men, our cover is already blown.


We shall find out tomorrow.  Our plan is to go to La Push and speak to the council, with Carlisle as our leader, of course.  We will offer them peace, and tell them we want nothing but to live here in Hoquiam for a few years, keeping mostly to ourselves, and bothering no-one.  We obviously mean no harm, and we will make that apparent when Carlisle speaks to Ephriam Black.  We are all hoping it goes well- at least better than the conversation with Levi Ulley did.  Otherwise, a battle might ensue, and depending on the number of wolves in their tribe- or pack as they call it- we might not win.

Peace or No Peace


The Council sat before us, solemn and brave, and I could read their thoughts the moment we stepped into the room.  We had no idea what to expect from this meeting, but they were even more nervous than we were.  All four of us were in attendance, and Rosalie and Emmett were under strict rules to stand in the back and keep their mouths shut.  The last thing we needed was for either of them to let their tempers sway this conversation, although from what I could tell, they were both too scared to say anything anyways.


The council had far more than four members, although it was hard to tell exactly how many of them there were- ten or twelve perhaps?  All of them were men, most of them were older adults, a few seemed around my age, or at least my "human" age.  The focus seemed to be around three of them in the middle however.  These were obviously the important ones.  Quil Ateara, Levi Ulley, and of course, Ephriam Black.  Ephriam Black is the tribe's leader, or Chief.  He is the one we were here to speak to today.  


The other two flanked his sides as though ready for a fight at any moment.  Reading their minds I could tell they were both wolves.  They were thinking about how long it would take them to "phase"  into wolf form and attack should things go badly during our conversation.  At least they were still thinking of it as a conversation. What I found most interesting was that they could not read each other's thoughts, as I previously thought.  Perhaps only in wolf form, then?  Odd.


Ephriam Black led the conversation by demanding that we leave the area immediately.  Carlisle insisted that we meant no harm and we wished to stay.  Ephriam seemed thrown off by the color of our eyes- looking from one of us to the other constantly- and I stepped forward and took advantage of that immediately.  


"As you can tell, our eyes are not blood red like others of our kind," I said,"That is because we do not hunt humans like others do." I told him, motioning for Carlisle to continue, hoping he had picked up on what I was trying to tell him with my words.  Carlilse was smart, and he didn't miss a beat.


Carlisle instantly stepped forward to match me, shoulder to shoulder.  "We survive only on the blood of animals, which is why our eyes are golden.  We refuse to hunt humans, because we refuse to be like the others.  We will never harm a human being, nor would we want to.  We are this way only because death was not ready to take us.  It is what we our, but it is also our choice not to cause harm with it as well.  We wish to stay here, and promise you no harm will come in staying.  No one will ever find out we are different from any other human, as that is a condition of our staying in existence."


Ephriam looked at each of us slowly, contemplating Carlisle's words, then spoke.  "What guarantee do I have that if we allow you to stay, no one will be harmed?" 


Carlisle's answer was simple.  "If we harm a human, you may destroy us.  As you know what we are, so we know of you as well."  


Murmurs and whispers flew through the room, but Ephriam said nothing for quite some time.  I read his thoughts, but mostly he was contemplating what we were compared to what he was.  When his pack phases, they hunt on animals.  They do not age.  They are not all that dissimilar from us.  But if Carlisle is lying, and we do harm humans, then we are the horrible creatures they have learned about and are very different from their pack indeed.  He was debating starting a war with us or letting us stay.  He was already certain we would not leave freely, although Carlisle probably would have rather left than caused a war with a pack of wolves that could have destroyed his family.  It took him a few minutes, but he made up his mind.


"I offer your family a truce, a treaty if you will."  He said.
"I'm listening." Carlisle responded.
"On the condition that you or any member of your family should never bite any human, you may stay."  Ephriam told us, eyeing each of us one by one.  
"Of course."  Carlisle agreed.
"There is more," Ephriam added, "None of you are ever to cross the boundary line of the La Push Reservation again. That is our land, and we wish to be left alone. Is that clear?"  He shot a pointed look especially to me.  If I had blood in my system I was sure my cheeks would have turned bright red by now.
"Absolutely.  And we have one condition as well."  Carlisle said in his professional doctor's voice, admitting nothing.  
"I am listening."
"You and your council are not to speak one word of what we are to anyone.  Even having knowledge of our kind is supposed to mean death to us all by leaders of our kind- it jeopardizes us and you alike."
Ephriam looked at the men standing around him and then slowly nodded.
"In that case, I believe we are done here."  Carlisle finished.


Carlisle turned around and ushered the rest of us through the door and out into the hazy day.  We were eager to get back to the campground.  Carlisle had already starting remodeling the old house and some of the inside rooms were almost done, so he was going to have us move camp to inside.  It was better than camping outside where the wolves might decide to watch us.  We have camped many times before, and by now we enjoyed it, but under the cicrumstances we decided now wasn't the best time for sleeping under the stars. 


The nice thing about being in Ephriam Black's presence for the afternoon, however, was that I was able to get a feel for his thoughts.  I might be able to get close enough to the La Push boundary line to get a read on what he was thinking.  I am hoping that as long as we keep to our word, things will be okay.  I was sensing a great feeling of relief from all of their members as we were leaving, so I think things will be fine.  Only time will really tell, however.  Part of me wonders if there will ever really be peace between the vampires and the wolves.

Settled


Our life here is rather simple.  I feel like the odd man out again, which is the way it always was, I suppose.  It is easier to forget that when there is something to take my mind off of it, however.  When I have things like tracking the Quileutes and reading their minds to find out whether we are facing a fight with them, I become momentarily important.  The other four depend on me for something, and their paired up love matches are secondary in my mind- even if only temporarily.


That has passed now, and we live in a sense of tense peace with the Quileutes.  That sounds odd to say.  Tense peace.  We stay off of their land, and of course we continue to hunt animals only, and they leave us alone.  We still feel a tension between their people and ours, a sort of "dare us if you will," or "don't step one foot over the wrong line" sort of feeling is in the air.  The members of the Quileutes are able to come freely in and out of town whenever they like, and we see them from time to time.  Their body language is clear, but they know they are not able to say a word about who or what we are, not to each other or anyone else.  It breaks the treaty.


Aside from that, life is fairly simple.  Our house is finished.  Work gets done fast when you have 24 hours in a day to do it.  It looks wonderful, of course.  My room is incredible, and I have plenty of space to put all of my books and other hobbies.  There is a grand piano downstairs for me to work on my music as well.  Cadillac has a new car out that I was eyeing, and Carlisle says that if I buy any more cars we will have to build a garage to put them all in.  This wouldn't bother me at all, as collecting cars seems to be a fondness of mine.  Rosalie wouldn't mind either since she seems to have a thing for tinkering with the engines.


The only downside is the fact that I am alone.  Once again, shaking off the fact that I am just this empty void, lonely and wasted in this world has caught up with me.  It seems as though I can only find temporary fixes to my problem.  I think I am due for another vacation- only this time I will make sure my trips are short and planned well.  I want to avoid having any problems like the last time I took a trip- the lapse into darkness so deep I became a killing monster.  A nightmare even I couldn't wake up from.  Ironic considering I don't sleep.  


Anyways, I better keep this short, I am wallowing in my own pity again.  Shame on me.  Maybe I will go wrestle Emmett.  Or better yet, I think it is time to go pick on Rosalie.  I will tell her she has dirt in her hair.  That is always fun.

Aro


Things were fairly peaceful in Washington, and we have spent some time here on our own, without being bothered by anyone before we got an unexpected visit from the Volturi.  I had heard of the Volturi from Carlisle, but had never met them before.  Esme, Rosalie and Emmett were getting their first meetings as well.  


Of course, practically every vampire learns about the Volturi as quickly after being created as possible.  There are rules to living life as a vampire, and the Volturi enforces those rules.  The Volturi are like the royalty of Vampire kind.  They live in Volterra, Italy, and have existed for some three thousand years.  Their wealth and power is astounding.  Their leaders are Aro, Marcus, and Caius, but they also have a legion of powerful vampires who work at their command as well.  They are not to be trifled with nor ignored.


The most important of vampire rules is keeping the existence of vampires secret from human kind.  Therefore when we learned of their presence in Hoquiam, Washington, my first thought was that they knew about the Quileutes.  This scared me because it put us all in danger of being destroyed.  I wasn't sure if the Volturi would care whether or not the Quileutes knew about us before we got there, they knew about vampires, and we were the ones that were there.  End of story.  


The Volturi have often extinguished many leagues of vampires- from old to newborn- in attempt to keep our secret.  They have powerful guards and skilled fighters, and often have no trouble invoking their wrath.  Many of them posses great powers and talents unlike any other vampires- they go far and wide to search out special vampires to make sure of that.  Of course, these are not particularly kind vampires, they hunt humans.  That is not to say they are particularly cruel, either, this is just their way of life.  Imagine a world power, with unlimited time and money- then picture that power with the ability to feed on people with precision and speed.  This is the true definition of a human's predator.


Jeopardizing the vampire secret wasn't why they chose to visit however.  Only the three leaders, Aro, Marcus and Caius chose to come, and they left their wives and other followers at home.  This was a good sign, it meant they weren't here for a battle, a trial, or any other sort of confrontation.   They met up with Carlisle first, as I was out hunting with Emmett at the time.  They sent Rosalie out to find us, and she was nervous and scared when she tracked us down in the woods.  At the very least, however, we knew it was only the three of them against the five of us should things go bad.  


This is where things get tricky.  Aro has a power similar to mine, only where I can read minds close by and can read a person's present thoughts, he has to touch a person in order to read every thought they have ever had.  Both powerful but also limited in different ways.  Marcus can sense a form of relationship between people, and as far as I have heard, Caius has no powers.  Aside from Carlisle's ability to be around massive amounts of blood and Emmett's massive size and strength, I am the only one with an abnormal power.  


Once we got back to the house, however, my fears were both calmed and started up again.  I could tell by their thoughts that they did not come here for a fight, they came here for another reason altogether...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Aro Part 2


The Volturi- or at least its three leaders- were here in Hoquiam, visiting the Cullen family for the first time since I had been created. Aro, Marcus and Caius were here for a very specific purpose. As vampires, our memories are very acute, so I can recall the conversation with precise detail. Even though it is already over, it still gives me the chills.


Aro was the first to speak, even though I saw the thoughts in his mind before he even opened his mouth.
"Hello, Edward. I am glad you were able to join us. Rosalie, Emmett. It is nice to meet you all. I have met Esme and chatted her a while during the time Rosalie went to find you both." He motioned our direction.


Carlisle motioned for us all to come further into the foyer. We were standing near the front door, assuming defensive positions. To be honest, we were all scared. Emmett and Rosalie were probably more scared than I were, as they had no idea what to expect, and I couldn't exactly tell them what was going on without giving anything away.


We stepped forward together, as though we were a team. I guess by now we are a team. A family. More than ever we are a family now. Carlisle waved us through the foyer and continued into the dining room, where we all took seats at the large, heavy wood table. It was probably a good idea, considering it put space between us all. I needed as much space between Aro and I as possible.


I took a seat opposite him and we all sat down slowly.
"I am sure by now, Edward, that you know why we have come here." Aro smiled at me.
"Unfortunately, I do, Aro." I told him.


I returned his smile with an unfriendly glare. The other Cullens were equally unfriendly with the exception on Carlisle, who is always open-minded, and Esme, who always seeks peace and the good in everyone.


"Aro has come here for something important, perhaps you should listen to his offer, young one." Marcus spoke firmly from the other end of the table. I jumped out of my seat so quickly that the chair I was sitting in slammed into the ground beneath me and broke into several pieces. Emmett swiftly swept to my side in a show of absolute support, even though he had no idea what was going on. Emmett, my friend, my brother, always by my side. I would have to remember to thank him later.


"I have no reason to listen to his offer, as I have already heard it." I responded.
"Perhaps if I could speak to you in private, take a walk, a few moments alone..." Aro offered. I saw his plan the moment it formed. He wanted to touch me, see my thoughts, see why I was so resistant. I wasn't a fool, however, and I wasn't so easily swayed.
"I'd rather not, Aro, if you do not mind. I do not need a few moments, or a few days or years. I know your offer and I enjoy my time here with my family."
"I heard you were rather unhappy living life as a vampire. We were looking to help you relieve some of that unhappiness. Offer you an alternative lifestyle. We have ways for you to use your gift like you have never imagined." Caius stood up from the table and took over the conversation. This seemed to irritate Aro, as he felt he had the situation under control. Perhaps, in reality, no one did.


"I have no wishes to join your coven in Volterra. I am happy here with my family. I do not feed on humans, I try not to use my powers, and usually when I do it serves me poorly. They are a burden on me. They have done me well in only a few instances. There are worse things in life, Aro, and I mean no disrespect, but I am not joining you today or any other day."


I stood in a defensive crouch and allowed him to stare at me for a moment. Rosalie stood up from her chair and stood next to me, and after a brief second Esme and Carlisle did the same. The four of us stood together as a family, while the three of them remained seated at the table, thoughts of doubt flickering through their minds.


"Perhaps you will not always feel that way, young boy. You have much left to see in life. To experience. Your powers will come to be useful, you should harness them. We can help with that. We will leave now, but remember that the offer is on the table. We wish you to join us in Volterra, and we will not forget about you and your extraordinary gift, Edward. Good day to you all. You have a lovely home, Esme. Thank you for welcoming us into it."


They left quickly after that, with a few scattered words of warmth, as Aro is good for pretending to be a friend when necessary, and we were left to ourselves again. All of us were notably shaken. I was the most upset. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the Volturi had actually come across the world to try and persuade me to join their coven. Carlisle explained that while Rosalie had gone to find us, Aro told him that one of the vampires I had visited had gone to Volterra and while traveling there Aro had seen my amazing gift in his thoughts. The only thing more powerful to Aro than his own gift is the possibility of finding other vampires with gifts. The idea of having an army of gifted vampires leaves no room for anyone to fight them, no matter how great the odds. My mind reading ability is truly remarkable.


I am just glad the issue is behind us. Carlisle is expecting for Aro to bring it up again sometime in the future. Aro doesn't give up, he pushes, persuades. I am not too worried, I cannot be persuaded. Any doubts I had about the members of the Cullen family before were quenched when they stood by my side against the Volturi and stuck up for me. Facing their own destruction to keep me beside them is something I never expected from half of them. I suppose I should get some rest. It has been an emotional day.

Visitors


Time flies when your having fun. At least that is what they tell me. I guess time also flies when you are a vampire, and you have eternity to live. You get twenty four hours in a day to figure out how to spend your time, and endless hours to fill. Time flies.


It seems like forever since I last wrote an entry in this journal. I suppose I don't really write when there isn't much to write about. Things have been peaceful, and life has been good. I have been my usual, brooding self. Rosalie has stared at herself in the mirror, primped her hair, and twirled her dresses. Emmett has flexed his muscles, wrestled a few bears, and cracked a few tasteless jokes. Esme is still her same, wonderfully loving, motherly self, and Carlisle is still always balancing endless hours at the doctor's office with spending time with his family of vampires.


Even the town has grown accustomed to us. For the first time, we completely fit in here, for the most part. Carlisle is well-liked, and the rest of us aren't seen enough to raise many eyebrows. People mind their own business, and what people do think about us are generally good thoughts, or at the very least, positive thoughts, in one way or another.


However, it seems that just when we fall into a pattern, a sense of feeling at home, something comes along to rock the boat. Two visitors came knocking on the door of the Cullen house yesterday. I am still trying to figure out what to make of them exactly. They are a couple, a vampire couple.


Their names are Alice and Jasper, and they are unlike anyone I have ever really encountered. Their stories are completely wild. Jasper is a vampire warrior. He was a soldier in his human life, and he was created for the sole purpose of fighting in vampire wars, vampire battles. He grew tired of that life, however, tired of all the killing, and sought peace. Alice, on the other hand, is a blank. She has no memories at all of her human life, and no idea who created her or why.


They have appeared on our doorstep asking for a place to stay for awhile. Carlisle, being the kind man that he is, of course did not refuse them. I am intrigued by them both and wonder about the thoughts I see in each of them. They both seem to be keeping to themselves for now, but I am eager to learn more about them. I am not really sure how long they will be staying here. Alice told Carlisle that she heard of us, but when he asked who he had heard of us from, she said she did not want to explain it just yet, and threw me an awkward glance.


I tried to read Alice's mind but then Jasper gave Carlisle an odd look and then a weird feeling of calm came over me and I found Jasper's thoughts to be very overwhelming. He was concentrating very hard on getting everyone in the room to feel very calm, and I could no longer concentrate on what anyone else was thinking, as I was so preoccupied on him. His thoughts were almost like a command, an order inside his head, like he was willing everyone to feel calm, rather than thinking that everyone should feel calm. It was odd and it bothered me.


Perhaps I will discuss this with Carlisle. I don't want him to think that I am not giving the new visitors a chance, so maybe I will wait. Tomorrow is a new day to explore their actions and thoughts a little more. Perhaps time will tell. For now, it is late and I am tired. I will be back to share all the new discoveries about these new vampires.

Adjusting


Our visitors are odd indeed, but I am not sure that is a bad thing. I am actually starting to like them both, and for completely different reasons. Perhaps I should start with Alice.


Alice is like a little butterfly. She is tiny, and she flits around from room to room, with energy and focus. She has short brown hair, which is cut in a wild style which seems to suit her. She always seems to know what is going to happen, and prepares for it. I am not sure what to think of her entirely, but she is very friendly and almost drowns me with her friendliness. It is hard not to like her. In fact, it is almost impossible. She and I are becoming fast friends. The only thing that bothers me about her is that there seems to be something lurking on the edge of her thoughts that she seems to want to tell me, and doesn't seem ready to. I see her debating it- should she tell me, maybe, not yet, maybe later. It is driving me insane, but I do not know her well enough to ask what it is she is thinking about. I cannot exactly tell her I read minds.


Jasper, on the other hand, seems to be the other side of her coin. He is the darkness to her light. He balances her out in every way. They are another perfect match, which makes me question so many things I have seen in this short vampire life of mine. And because he is so different from Alice, and yet so perfectly matched for her, we also get along very well. Jasper is struggling very hard to be a "good vampire." It seems almost impossible for him to stop feeding on human blood. I am not exactly sure how long it has been since his last human meal, but he seems to think of it often, especially when we go into town. Alice reassures him constantly, telling him things like, "You won't do anything, it's okay." and "Relax, trust yourself, you aren't going to act on your thirst today." While these statements are a little odd, they seem to calm him. He thinks that she knows what she says, that her words are to be trusted, and he believes her.


Jasper struggles so much- in my opinion at least- because he was a fighter for so long. He spent so much time literally seeking out vampires, destroying them and feeding on humans all the while. It is hard to give up that life. Once you take another's life- vampire or human- it changes you. The more lives you take, the more changed you become. I also think that Jasper struggles because he doesn't have very much faith in himself, but then again, I am not a therapist. I am only Edward, and who am I to say? Either way, his history and mine help me feel a little closer to him, although that might sound a little silly now that I have put that on paper. He was a skilled fighter, and I was a vengeful monster, but at the same time, something inside me feels like he might understand some of what I was feeling when I went through my darkest of days. There was a reason he left that life, after all.


At any rate, they have told Carlisle that they sought us out not as a temporary place to stay, but as a refuge. They wish to stay here, probably permanently, if we will have them. I have no objections to that. I am happy with them staying for some reason. I feel oddly linked to them both. Emmett has already become at ease with them both as well. Rosalie is a little at odds with Jasper from time to time, but she has opened right up to Alice. Alice seems to have a knack for fashion. She is interested in all of the clothing from New York and London, and loves to show Rosalie all of the things she would love to order from the catalogues. They play dress up or whatever it is that girls do in the bathroom with their clothes and makeup. Rosalie seems to really enjoy having another girl around. As I said, Alice practically smothers you in her friendliness. It was hard for even Rosalie to resist.


The Cullens are supposed to be voting tonight on whether or not we would like to have Alice and Jasper stay with us indefinitely. I have a good feeling about it. Carlisle wanted us to have some time to think it over before we voted, but I am not sure any of us really needed much time to make up our minds. Alice and Jasper have won us over. Although Jasper still does that weird commanding us all to be calm thing, they are both really enjoyable to be around for the most part. I will be back to write more after I know what is going on with the vote and everything. For now, I guess that is all!

Near Future


The bond I thought I was feeling with Alice and Jasper- both in different ways and yet both quickly growing- seems to be based on more than just what lies on the surface.  The more time they spend with us the more I find out about them, and it seems to me as though I cannot possibly find out more about each of them than I already have

The vote went as well as I expected it to.  Alice and Jasper are going to be sharing a room at the end of the upstairs hall, which we never really used before anyways.  This big house has plenty of space for them.  Alice already has it decorated to her liking, with fabric draped over the windows in a very oriental style that she must have seen in a book somewhere and hanging lanterns she fashioned out of some things she found in shops in town.  She is very creative and knows how to make just about any space look good.  Her knack for fashion apparently applies to rooms as well.  Esme was in love with the room, and they were quickly absorbed in conversation about decorating the new house on Isle Esme.

Jasper and Alice seem to fit in well, although Jasper is not quite as well received as Alice, he enjoys hunting with us boys, and Emmett likes having another person around to pick on and joke with.  It seems that the more I have been around them, however, the more I noticed odd things in their thoughts.  Alice seemed to get frequent headaches and always wondered things about the future, whereas Jasper seemed to urge calm feelings whenever he felt out of place or out of control in a situation.  It started to bother me, and I finally brought it up to Alice.

My conversation with Alice went well, almost as if she saw it coming, and nothing I said caught her off guard. That should have been my first clue.  I was telling her things about my past, leading up to it, and then I spilled the beans about being able to read people's thoughts.  She took it in stride.  Her response was "Well then, it should be easy for you to communicate with other people, considering you already know what they are going to say."  That was frustrating, because she was right and wrong at the same time.  She sees things so simply, but at the same time, people usually don't say what they mean.

I could see her secret nagging at the edge of her thoughts.  She was debating telling me again.  "Well, I suppose it's time to tell you then."  She said.  And then she let the cat out of the bag.  She told me she could see the future.  The news floored me.  I am not sure why, since there were plenty of clues along the way.  Between her actions and her thoughts I should have put two and two together.  But I have never met another vampire with a special ability before so it took me by surprise.

Her future telling has limits, of course, like my mind reading.  She can only tell the future about people she knows, or things she tries to see.  So she does not get random visions of total strangers.  She has to be searching for something to see it.  Or at least she has to know a person to see their future.  Also, she can only see the future to the point that a certain decision is made.  If a decision is changed, the future is changed.  If a decision hasn't been made yet, the future is uncertain and cannot be seen.

She also came clean about how she found Carlisle and the Cullen house also.  Jasper and Alice were seeking out a new way of life, a peaceful life, and she got a vision of Carlisle.  It makes sense considering that Carlisle is one of the most peaceful vampires in existence.  If she had been searching for peace, she would find him, no doubt.  We have talked for hours about her power and mine.  She told me she saw this in a vision as well, but didn't want to tell me too soon and scare me.  I find it funny now that I think about it.

Alice also says that Jasper has something special about him, but that it is better he tells us himself.  She wants to tell the rest of the Cullens about her mind reading ability first.  One thing at a time, I suppose.  I am just glad I am not the only oddball in the family anymore.  I am going to support her when she tells the rest of the family about her ability, as she is a little worried.  She said she had a vision that when she told them, things went flying in the room and Rosalie was angry, Emmett stormed out, and she couldn't see anything else.  I tried to be reassuring, and maybe her visions could be wrong.  I guess we will see what happens when it happens.  I am also eager to learn about Jasper, although I have a few guesses as to what it is that he can do already.

Tantrum


Well Alice's vision was correct- as she knew it would be.  We sat down at the Cullen family table, and had a little talk.  It went well at first, with Alice explaining that she had something difficult that she wanted to tell everyone, and everyone pledging their support.  Then when she said that she could tell the future, there was a full moment of silence.  Just silence.


I saw it forming in Rosalie's mind before it happened.  The jealousy.  She was thinking that now Alice had something over her.  Something to make her special.  Something unique, even better than beauty.  The bowl went flying before Rosalie even had a second to double think it.  She looked at the bowl and the next thing I knew, it was shattered against the wall.  It was just that fast.  After she threw the bowl, she took off out the door, and Emmett followed quickly.  It was just like Alice saw in her vision.


The rest of us were still sitting there, stunned by the actions of Rosalie, when Jasper opened his mouth to speak.  "I told you they wouldn't accept us here."


She shook her head sadly, as if to agree with him, but her thoughts weren't so sure.  I flickered over to Carlisle.  He wanted me to go after Rosalie and Emmett, and bring them back to apologize.  Talk some sense into their stubborn heads.  Esme and Carlisle would explain to Jasper and Alice that Rosalie just had a bad temper and it tended to cool.  I hoped Carlisle was right.


I excused myself and exited the room.  I heard Esme speaking softly as I wandered out of the house, following Emmett's scent.  Each vampire has their own unique scent, as each human does- and is able to be tracked if you know their scent well enough.  Rosalie likes to wear perfume which makes her easy to track, but she changes her perfume from time to time, and to be honest, her perfumes usually irritate me, so it is easier just to track Emmett.  I found them easily, hunting in the woods.  Hunting usually calms us down, brings our ability to think rationally back into focus.


Rosalie grunted at me the second she noticed me.  Emmett chucked.  Figures.  I smiled.
"Nice display of family togetherness back there."  I joked.  Sarcasm was my strong suit.
"Whatever."  Rosalie replied.
"Don't you think they've been through enough?  They came here for a family.  For some support."  I said.
"They don't need my support."
"They dont need your jealousy either."  I told her bluntly.
"What do you know?"  She picked up a huge boulder and threw it at me.  I glided out of her way and it crumbled against the cold ground.
"I know that you think you have to be the best and have the best.  Can't she have one thing above you without you throwing a tantrum?  I think your beauty should be enough.  Besides, her visions cause her enough trouble, she doesn't need you hating her on top of it."
She stared at me a moment, but didn't say anything.  After a moment, Emmett spoke up.
"What do you mean they cause her problems?"
"They give her headaches, they can change a lot, she sees things she doesn't want to see.  It doesn't seem to be a blessing."
Rosalie thought about that for a moment, kicking a few rocks around.  Emmett already had his mind made up.
"We need to go in there and apologize, Rose."
"Exactly." I said.
Rosalie sighed.  She knew we were right, but she didn't want to admit it.
"I'll go in there, I'll sit down, and I'll listen.  I am not apologizing for anything."
This was probably as good as we were going to get.  I looked at Emmett, and he looked at me.  We both shrugged our shoulders, and headed inside with Rosalie on our tails.


Once we got inside, I could tell Carlisle and Esme had done a fairly decent job of explaining to Alice and Jasper that Rosalie is like a spoiled girl who never really got a chance to grow out of that "I get everything I want when I want it" phase.  They seemed to be taking it in stride.  When Rosalie sat back down at the table, Emmett apologized for both of them, which got an indignant little huff out of Rosalie, but Alice smothered that with hugs for both of them.
"I just want you guys to understand how much we love being here!  I want you to know we don't mean any harm and I couldn't bear to not tell you guys anymore!"  She cast a pointed look at Jasper, but he shook his head.


I looked his way, and could see that whatever it was he had to tell us all, he was certainly not going to tell us now that Rosalie threw her little temper tantrum.  Perhaps another time then.  Things went a little smoother for the rest of the day, and we were all getting along better by nightfall.  Of course, here I am sitting at my desk, the only one without a partner, with nothing else to do but journal, so I'm pouring my heart out on paper while they all cozy up in their beds.  But I'm not going to think about that.


Carlisle says that there is someone out there for me.  I can only imagine what kind of vampire could fill those shoes.  Wow.  Hope she likes to read after all the time I've spent with the library of books I've accumulated so far.  I guess that's it for now.  Be back soon with more.

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