Being home again is nothing like I expected. I am battling feelings of overwhelming loss, and at the same time, I am flushed with feelings of happiness that I havent felt since I was human. I have been sad and lonely since my time started as a vampire, and I feel as though I will continue feeling this way for the rest of my lonely existence. Yet for some reason, being back in this house, where my family used to live, gives me some small sense of peace.
I have a new family now, a different family. Having them come together, the new and the old, is remarkable and somehow it makes things easier. It doesn't fill the massive hole in my heart, but it certainly helps me to deal with the gaps in my soul. I am able to fill in some of the memories that have faded from my human life, and begin to piece together some of the things that I didn't quite understand before.
I never understood why my mother wanted this life for me. I never understood why she begged Carlisle to save me, when she knew he was something other. He wasn't human, and he thought she knew that, but he went ahead and followed her wishes. I never quite forgave her for that. I understand now, and I realize that she probably didn't see any other choice.
Carlisle probably seemed so angelic to her. Godly, even. An inhuman being, with light hair, amber eyes, and a soft touch. His patience was never ending, and his kindness never faltered. He had inhuman strength and the sickness never touched him no matter how many patients with the flu he treated. She noticed all these things while we laid there. My mother was more than perceptive and smart. She had a way about her, she saw people. She noticed things. Whatever else she noticed about Carlisle, she probably noticed all the goodness in his soul, and wanted that for me.
She never would have guessed that I would become the monster that I am. Trapped in my own skin, hard like granite, unable to die, unable to destroy myself but more than capable of destroying others. She would never have saw that in her own child. I loathe that about myself. Alice says I need to let go of it, that one day I will be proud of myself, and what I have accomplished, but I have yet to see it.
Until then, I have been exploring my house. It is a fairly large house, on large grounds. We have made it a home fairly quickly. Our things came from the movers out of our storage unit in West Virginia, and we unpacked with ease. In fact, unpacking was fairly peaceful without Rosalie telling us what we are doing wrong every minute and a half. There are still two empty rooms despite having Alice and Jasper in a room and a guest room. Not that we will every really have guests.
Esme and Alice have started a garden in the back of the large yard. They planted rose bushes and other flowers along all the fences as well. A house is not a home without flowers. Carlisle started his work at Saint Anthony's Hospital, and Jasper, Alice and I are still deciding if we are going to enroll in college here or high school. Carlisle thinks we should go to high school in case we decide to stay for a few years. Honestly, I vote for college because I am so sick of high school. Alice is in favor of high school because she is sick of moving. I think Jasper is leaning towards high school just because of Alice.
We will see what happens. We have a little time to decide before it becomes a big deal. Rosalie and Emmett are doing the newlywed thing in Indianapolis. They enrolled in college courses again and are laying low, enjoying life.
I suppose that is all I have to write about for now. I will be back soon.
Labels:
Alice Cullen
,
Before Twilight
,
Carlisle Cullen
,
Chicago
,
Edward Cullen
,
Emmett Cullen
,
Esme Cullen
,
Jasper Hale
,
Rosalie Hale
