Edward's Journal: Depressed

Showing posts with label Depressed. Show all posts

Inconsequential

by Jessica L

I cant hardly stand it- this life of mine. If you can call it a life. I don't know how Carlisle can take it. Well, I do actually, because I've heard it in his thoughts. He sees the world so much differently than I do. If he had known for even one second the disdain for which I would have held this life, he never would have saved me.

Keeping this promise to my mother was the worst thing he has ever done. I have nothing to live this eternal life for. It has been hard to keep these thoughts from him. Almost impossible. When you can see everything inside someone's head, and you spend each moment of the day with them it is easy to share everything and keep no secrets. He has often pulled me from the depths of despair.

Perhaps that is why journaling comes so easily to me. I have so much to say, and no-one to say it to. My only true friend feels guilty for bringing me into this dark world, and cannot always keep me on the right side of the line. Sometimes it seems almost impossible to live life Carlisle's way. He made a promise to my mother and I intend to help him keep it. It has only been a couple of years since I have been this thing, this vampire, and time goes by fast, or so it seems. But in a sense, it also drags on.

I don't understand how he can so easily choose this lifestyle and yet he cannot understand how I am struggling so hard. My struggle is not with tasting human blood, that part is easy. My struggle is with staying alive. I do not want to be here. I would rather cease to exist at all than live life as a monster. I was designed to feed on human beings. My mother is gone. My life as I know it, all of my friends, my home, my life, gone. I cannot seem to let go and yet I have so little to hold onto. A few trinkets and a couple photographs. One of my mother, one of my grandmother, and one of me as a baby.

I have fallen into a deeper depression each year, it seems. The days blend into the nights and do not stop. Time for a vampire goes quickly, however for me it drags on endlessly because I do not want this life. I don't want to be here, nor do I want anything life has to offer me. I am dragging on, like a spoiled child being dragged through the candy store after her father refuses to buy one last soda. I am kicking and screaming, and Carlisle is dragging me on.

We had a long talk the other night, when the world was sleeping. We- of course- do not sleep. Vampires do not need sleep, so we continue on through the night. There are many things we do not need, in fact. It is the lack of sleep that I find the hardest, however. The extra time on my hands has been difficult to handle. I do not always know what to do with myself. Carlisle has his work with the hospital, and that keeps him busy, gives him a purpose. I have no purpose.

Carlisle has told me that he often wonders if saving me was a good idea. I have seen this in his thoughts many times already, of course. Hearing him say it out loud filled me with shame, however. He brought me a suggestion: he wants to find me a mate. It might be a good idea, although I do not know how I could ever find love in a world so dark, so full of nothing. He is certain that there is someone out there for me, and does not want me to give up on the world.

Maybe I should take up another hobby. I am running out of things to do to fill my time. I have read many books and seen many places. I saw a beautiful piano in a storefront the other day that caught my eye. Perhaps I will go take a look. I have always had a fondness for music.

Isle Esme

by Jessica L

The love between Carlisle and Esme is unbelieveable. One would think that their endless joy and happiness would rub off on me, but for some reason it only makes me feel worse. I am glad that they have found each other. I would never hold that against them. Yet at the same time, the intensity between them leaves me feeling lonely and even more in despair.

I have been traveling in order to keep myself busy. It seems to help keep my mind and body occupied. I have visited many different vampire friends. Most do not live the same lifestyle as Carlisle and I do, and now Esme. That does not particularly bother me, to each their own. I hunt in nearby woods, or sometimes rivers or lakes. There is always abundant supplies of food for me, as vampires tend to live in areas of seclusion.

The change of scenery has done me good. I have been to several states of the U.S., Mexico, and Greece. Perhaps next month I will visit a friend of Carlisle's down in Australia. He is a fairly wild one, however, so I am not sure if he will be easily found. He will be guaranteed to show me an interesting time, and I hear that there are some interesting animals down south.

Before I left, Carlisle and Esme had a small ceremony to officially make their union a "marriage." If there is such a thing in the vampire world. It was Esme's idea. She wanted to wear a pretty dress, and have flowers hung around the yard. Carlisle was very accommodating, of course, and eager to make Esme happy. He wore a tuxedo, and we had a local priest preside over the service as though we were actually human. It was something to remember. Vampires have excellent memories.

As a gift, Carlisle had a surprise for Esme. He took her to a special island that he bought just for her. I am not sure anyone has ever been so kind or generous to her before. From what I understand it was the greatest and best gift she has ever received. The island is quite beautiful. The sand is soft and white, and the plants are green and full. There are plenty of flowers to bloom and trees to grow tall and wide. I believe it is by the Rio Grande somewhere. I have not seen it myself yet but have often heard her thinking about it and longing to return. They are planning to build a grand house on it. Carlisle is calling it Isle Esme. It makes her blush but she seems to like it.

While I was away, they spent quite some time camping on Isle Esme. They made a lot of plans about the house they were going to build and the things they wanted to do. Esme thinks about it quite often. It is part of the reason I keep traveling. There are some thoughts I don't like to hear. I try and shut them out as much as I can, but sometimes it cant be helped. So, while the two lovebirds get used to life as a twosome, I will give them their space.

I think I will go check on that Aussie friend after all. Perhaps I will see about these boxing kangaroos that are supposed to be so legendary. I have never been there before, and am always up for a new adventure. It will at least be something to talk about when I get back.

Monster Come True

by Jessica L

This is it for me. I have become the thing I most feared and most hated about myself. I am a monster now.

I have been traveling a lot lately. It started out with time abroad, trips here and there. I wanted to see the world, and somehow I ended up wanting to experiment with a new way of life. I wanted to see how the others lived, which isn't so bad. I was curious, but mostly I watched from afar, never really partook in their lifestyles although they were usually more than welcoming. Most of the vampires I visited were friends of Carlisle's.

The worst part is when I let my depression get the best of me, and I sought out the worst of these wretched humans and sought revenge among them. I took out my anger on them.

I didn't bite them, or eat them, or whatever you might want to call it. I destroyed them. I killed them, and tortured some of them. I made them feel the worst kinds of fear. All of them deserved it. They were rapists, murderers, and worse. The lowest of human lifeforms. And I took every bad feeling I ever had and used it against them.

I thought it would make me feel better. I told myself for a while that I was using my talents and abilities for good, like a superhero or something. Seeking out the bad and getting justice. Hearing the thoughts of the horrible and using them against them to destroy them. Except I was blinded. A man can only be blinded for so long. Eventually it wore away, and I was left with the truth. I had become just like these men, killing for sport, causing fear and pain. Just because they were not innocent did not make it right.

Once I realized that I sank deeper into my depression for a while and isolated myself further. I stopped my travels and hid out, trying to decide my future for myself. The decision as to whether or not I should get myself destroyed weighed heavily on my shoulders. I really wanted to get some peace, and my own destruction seemed like the only way to get any form of peace in this world.

I realized that no longer existing wasn't exactly peace, though. And then my answer seemed clear. I wanted to go home. So right now I am on my journey back to Carlisle. To explain to him the things I have done and look at the shame in his face. I am certain I will hear disappointment in his voice when I tell him where I have been for these few years, but that is what I must face. I owe him at least that. It is time to return to where I belong.

Another One

by Jessica L

Things have been interesting around here lately. I have given up on the way things used to be between my former self and my new self. The things I have done during my travels and time abroad have changed me forever. My fears of what I am- who I am- have manifested themselves and I have allowed myself to become my own worst enemy. I am battling that every day and working hard on moving past the things I have done so that I can be a better Edward. Carlisle has complete faith in me, naturally. How he can even welcome me back into his home I do not understand. That man is truly the saint everyone says he is. He has become more of a father to me than ever before.

We have moved again, and found a new home in Rochester, New York. It is nice here, I suppose. Another place, new faces, like always. I am used to it. Carlisle and Esme are pretending to be brother and sister in public here, rather than husband and wife, which causes some strain on their daytime hours, but we manage. We are a family, after all. Carlisle is working during the day most days anyways.

Esme has been quite impressed by how fast I have learned to play piano, to have something positive to say, at least. I have gone from playing piano to composing my own songs. Writing music and then playing it out has been a great outlet for me. It lifts some of the dark feelings and makes me feel as though I have a talent at something, a purpose. I have even started writing Esme a song of her own, although it isn't nearly finished.

That isn't the interesting part of my life, however. What is interesting is that we found a half-dead girl lying in the alley. Well, Carlisle wanted to save her of course. We thought some thugs had roughed her up and left her for dead, but they didn't do the job quite right because she wasn't dead enough. She was fighting for her life. She was quite the fighter, in fact. Rosalie Hale, the most beautiful girl in town. I had to hear all about it in her thoughts as she lay bleeding on the pavement. She couldn't believe that she was dying, so young, so beautiful, without a child, without a family of her own. Jealous of some girl and her baby, jealous of everyone who had what she didn't even though she was more beautiful than most and she knew it. She coveted her own beauty.

Her beauty was half of the reason I wanted to leave her lying there. Surely someone was going to recognize her. We were going to have to move. Leave town. I knew the second I suggested leaving her there that Carlisle had already made up his mind. Her change didn't take long though, and soon we were on our way to find our new home.

Rosalie didn't like me. She mistook my wanting to leave her for dead as not liking her, and added to that the fact that I wasn't attracted to her and resented me for it. Not to say she isn't beautiful, because everyone in the free world knows she is. But like every other woman in this world, she means nothing more to me than anyone else.

Carlisle wants me to give her a chance. She is part of our family now, he says. That is fine. My sister, Rosalie Hale. She has already taken revenge on those who left her for dead. The men we thought were thugs were actually her fiance and his friends. Another reason I do not need a mate. If that is love, I can live without it.

How she was capable of murdering seven people- her fiance, the four friends that helped attack her (I will spare the details here)- and her fiance's two bodyguards- without succumbing to the smell of blood, is beyond me. As a newborn, she should have been overwhelmed by it, and gone wild with thirst. She was apparently controlled, and with purpose, however. I was impressed, as I have done similar things in the past. Of course, I am over these sort of inhuman acts, and hopefully this will be the last of Rosalie's. At least now we have something in common though. We both know how it feels to try and right a wrong with another wrong, and still feel wrong.

She has eased up on me a little bit in the past few days, perhaps I should do the same. A little give a take wouldn't hurt anyone. And I will stop reading her thoughts. All of the "Poor Me"s and "I Look Lovely Today"s are wearing on my nerves.

Poor Rosalie

by Jessica L

I cant help but feel bad for Rosalie. She is so sad, so lonely. I thought I was having a hard time. She keeps thinking of the family she will never have. The little boy with curly hair, and her best friend, who was the boy's mother. These two seem to have been very close to her, and she is not only jealous of them and their love for one another, but she longs for what they have. She wishes she too could have a child.

Vampires become infertile once their bodies take on the change to immortality. Carlisle has explained this to her in full already, several times. When your body changes, everything stops. Your heart stops, your veins stop pumping blood, and a woman vampire's body stops going through its monthly cycle. No cycle, no period, no fertility. No baby.

This was the hardest thing for Rosalie to adjust to. Perhaps the only hard thing for Rosalie to adjust to. She loved her new looks, the way vampirism enhanced her beauty. She loved the speed, the agility of our kind. She didn't even mind the thirst, the agonizing thirst. She had fairly little trouble feeding off of animals, although I have to admit, for a woman she is a great hunter. Esme hunts like a timid girl. Rosalie hunts like it is a sport, a game. She anticipates it, enjoys it. Then again, she is the competitive type.

Her depression seems to give us a connection though. Although she still seems bitter that I am not attracted to her, among other things, we have gotten past that somewhat and seem to get along a little better. At least, we do not completely hate each other anymore. So I would like to say we are making progress.

I have finished Esme's song. She loves it, of course. I am more critical of it, but Esme says that is only because it is my piece, and I am going to criticize my own work more harshly than anyone else. Even Carlisle enjoys listening to it. I play it every night. It helps pass the time, and I tend to run out of things to do and get bored with myself.

I suppose I should close the book on tonight, and come back another time, as I am due for a good long walk. Perhaps some scenery and fresh air will do me good. Rosalie still insists on wearing her perfume from her human life, and my vampire sense of smell just cant stand it. It's some flowery, musky thing from some expensive store that her fiance bought her as a gift, and she can't bear to part with it. I understand, it just smells awful. In fact, the more I think about it, the longer a walk I think I might take. A good hunt might do as well. I could use a break from the Cullen house for a few hours.

Fresh Start

by Jessica L

Apparently, 1936's Hoquiam is not much different than the last time Carlisle passed through. We are trying to settle down here, and make it our new home. It is a nice area, quiet and serene. There is not much here, there is a small town nearby which we can utilize for shopping and such, clothing and simple things. We will mostly keep to ourselves here. If anyone asks, Esme can tell them she teaches us our schooling herself, as that is not uncommon. None of us are very eager to go back to school, and we will take any reprieve we can get from it, as we will probably have to go back to school again at some point in the future.

Hoquiam and the areas surrounding it seems to be a very wooded area, and the hunting is plentiful and the people nearby are friendly. It rains often here, and even when it doesn't rain, there are often clouds covering the sun. It is perfect weather for us to spend our time here. Perfect "vampire weather." The few sunny days we are expecting can be used for hunting or to catch up on indoor hobbies and such, but for the most part we do not have to feel confined at all in this town. I think I will like it here.

No one seems bothered by us, except perhaps for the native tribe that has been here for many decades already. They seemed very curious about our arrival almost immediately. Carlisle already has plans to talk with their Chief if their thoughts do not settle down soon, which could be good or bad, depending on the Chief and his reactions to Carlisle. Carlisle is very welcoming and very open. He usually makes people feel at ease and reassures them quickly. This is one reason he is a good doctor, despite his being a vampire. Or perhaps it is simply a skill he acquired from being a doctor all of these years. Either way, it comes in handy when we move to a new area.

We are already making the plans for our new house here. There is a very old, run down house in the woods that Carlisle and Esme found while hunting our second day here. Esme is dying to get her hands on it and restore the old thing. I am sure that with her talent that it will be incredible. She has a love and talent for architecture and remodeling. Moving tends to be exciting for her for exactly that reason.

Right now, Carlisle is staying in a rented apartment with Esme in town. He is bringing his "late brother's children" with him as soon as his house is finished. We will camp in the woods until then. It will only be a couple of weeks. It is fun to torture Rosalie with the lack of commodities and finer things she has grown accustomed to. Emmett and I are being the typical boys and having fun with the idea of roughing it. Carlisle is already working at the small, local doctor's office, and Esme is pouring her heart into the new house.

We all cannot wait until the house is finished. Emmett and Rosalie will have a room very separate from the rest of ours, and very far away from mine for sure. I made that request clear to Esme right away. Rosalie gets on my nerves as it is, the last thing I want to deal with is her and Emmett's late night activities. Vampires are very good at finding things to do during the night hours- when they don't need to sleep.

Unless they are lonely vampires without mates, like myself. Which is fine, I do not need a mate, I need a soundproof room. I have already brought some very heavy draperies to hang along the walls to help block out the sounds of the rest of the house. Esme is also talking about a lot of big, bright windows, and bright white walls. It sounds like it will be beautiful, and hopefully a place we can stay for a while. I am getting bored of going from place to place, and it is not very populated here, so perhaps that will work in our favor. Less minds to get worked up or question things.

Well, Carlisle is back from his first day at the doctor's office in town. I can tell from his thoughts already that he is not happy, but he is trying not to give too much away with his thinking. That is a bad sign. I better go figure out what is going on. Be back later to write more.

Settled

by Jessica L

Our life here is rather simple. I feel like the odd man out again, which is the way it always was, I suppose. It is easier to forget that when there is something to take my mind off of it, however. When I have things like tracking the Quileutes and reading their minds to find out whether we are facing a fight with them, I become momentarily important. The other four depend on me for something, and their paired up love matches are secondary in my mind- even if only temporarily.

That has passed now, and we live in a sense of tense peace with the Quileutes. That sounds odd to say. Tense peace. We stay off of their land, and of course we continue to hunt animals only, and they leave us alone. We still feel a tension between their people and ours, a sort of "dare us if you will," or "don't step one foot over the wrong line" sort of feeling is in the air. The members of the Quileutes are able to come freely in and out of town whenever they like, and we see them from time to time. Their body language is clear, but they know they are not able to say a word about who or what we are, not to each other or anyone else. It breaks the treaty.

Aside from that, life is fairly simple. Our house is finished. Work gets done fast when you have 24 hours in a day to do it. It looks wonderful, of course. My room is incredible, and I have plenty of space to put all of my books and other hobbies. There is a grand piano downstairs for me to work on my music as well. Cadillac has a new car out that I was eyeing, and Carlisle says that if I buy any more cars we will have to build a garage to put them all in. This wouldn't bother me at all, as collecting cars seems to be a fondness of mine. Rosalie wouldn't mind either since she seems to have a thing for tinkering with the engines.

The only downside is the fact that I am alone. Once again, shaking off the fact that I am just this empty void, lonely and wasted in this world has caught up with me. It seems as though I can only find temporary fixes to my problem. I think I am due for another vacation- only this time I will make sure my trips are short and planned well. I want to avoid having any problems like the last time I took a trip- the lapse into darkness so deep I became a killing monster. A nightmare even I couldn't wake up from. Ironic considering I don't sleep.

Anyways, I better keep this short, I am wallowing in my own pity again. Shame on me. Maybe I will go wrestle Emmett. Or better yet, I think it is time to go pick on Rosalie. I will tell her she has dirt in her hair. That is always fun.

Cover

by Jessica L

Well, as fun as Alaska is, vacations are only vacations, and Denali is not our home. We must move on. We have been considering our options, and it seems that we all agree that West Virginia seems like a nice area to venture into next. Charleston is a fairly small area, with a fairly small population, and nice lower suburbs. The nicest appeal for us, however, is the lack of sunshine there. Charleston is said to be sunny less than half of the year, which is a huge bonus for us.

More important than where we are going, however, is what we are going to say when we get there. We aren't going to travel across the country and move into this city, declaring ourselves to be the seven members of the Cullen family. That right there would throw people off and raise eyebrows. As if we need anymore than our incredible looks and odd demeanor to do that. We have spent a lot of time in the past few days deciding on our new "cover story."

The easiest cover story we could think of- with the help of Carmen and her endless compassion for others- was that Carlisle and Esme were foster parents for the rest of us. This would help explain why they look so young, obviously too young to have a bunch of teenage children. It would also explain why they have so many children and it would play up on Carlisle's humanitarian role as well as giving Esme something to do as far as the public were concerned.

Rosalie has been the biggest piece in our new cover story. It has been very important to her to retain her human last name. I am not sure why she wants to keep it after she just spent the last couple decades as a Cullen, but judging by the thoughts in her head, I understand why it is so important to her to keep it in general. She feels it is important to retain anything and everything that ties her to her human life. The name Hale helps her hold on to her identity, separates her and keeps her special. It also helps her remember that she was human once, that she had something worth living for. She was loved and loveable and able to bear a child. Emmett is slightly bummed by the Hale thing, especially since traditionally he wants to have the same name as her, but like Emmett, he gets over it shortly after the feelings come up.

Since Jasper and Rosalie both look so similar, with the same color hair and tall, lean figures, we decided it would be smarter if they both went by the last name of Hale. Emmet and I would be brothers and Alice would be the newest of the group. We would all have our own timelines of when the Cullens (Carlisle and Esme) had adopted us, in case anyone asked.

The worst part of the entire thing was, of course, that we would all be attending high school again. It would be my third time going through school, and everyone else's second not counting our human school experiences- whatever those might have been. Alice isn't sure whether or not she even attended school in her human life.

I hate school. Don't get me wrong, the learning part I love. However, there is nothing left for me to learn in high school. I am bored there. I cannot socialize, the students are beneath me. Therefore, there is nothing to gain from going except to look normal, fit in, and be sure not to raise any eyebrows.

Ah, well, it is the 1960's and people tend to be experimenting with a lot of drugs these days, perhaps they will not notice so much if I do not fit in so well. Humans can be so droll, they do things that destroy their very fragile lives, never stopping to realize the preciousness of what they have, or appreciate it. Then they stop and marvel in the destruction they have caused- hating it, blaming it on others when it was their faults all along. This is in fact a dreary time for the human race, war, hatred, drugs. I hope it passes quickly for them.

Anyway, I am being a bore again. The dark moods I get in seem to catch me off guard- always. Alice says one day I will read these journals and laugh at the sadness and anger I felt, marvel at how I could have ever been so lonely and lost. I wonder how she could know such a thing. She is not sure, she just sees that I will be truly happy one day. That is something to look forward to. A day of peace. I am sure my pen will be grateful indeed.

Trends

by Jessica L

Charleston has so far been as interesting as can be expected. People here are your average, typical people. The area of town we have moved into, just south of Charleston, West Virginia, is typical as well, an average set of row houses, where each one looks the same as the next, but they are all spaced out far between the first. We don't live in the suburbs of course, we live in the countryside right outside of the suburbs. There is a little land on our property, and good old Dr. Cullen can get away with telling people that the row houses just don't have enough space for his growing brood. People are quick to understand.

Our house here is like most New England plantation style homes, big, roomy and old. We have fixed it up on the inside rather quickly, but to avoid turning any heads, it is still peeling paint and bearing droopy floorboards on the outside. It is grey, and dreary, but it is not so bad. Inside it is rather homey, considering we just got here. Then again it doesn't take much for us to turn our house into a home. We all have enough belongings to fill ten houses. When you live forever, you accumulate a lot of stuff.

School started last week as well. It is almost comical to go to school. We stick together, us Cullen kids. We turn heads, because we are the new kids, and everyone wants to know who we are, but for the most part we keep to ourselves. At least we are seniors here so it wont be very long before we can get jobs and/or be out of the face of the teenage public.

Alice has no trouble making friends, but I try to tell her she is better off keeping her distance. She thinks I am being ridiculous. It is dangerous to make human friends, but Alice has confidence both in her ability to appear human as well as in her ability to forsee any problems. Everyone else sides with me, especially Jasper, so I am sure she will come around soon.

The kids at school are all sporting their stylish clothes, boys with their button down shirts, often plaid ones, or the girls with have bouffant hair- which is very puffy at the top. We got there with our traditional clothes- or Alice and Rosalie in their ahead-of-the-trends style- and looked very out of place and needed to adjust quickly. I hate these shirts. Plaid is not my thing. Its hideous. Emmett makes fun of me a lot. I just joke back that he looks like Paul Bunyan and then we end up on the floor, wrestling. Jasper refuses to wear them at all. His style is his style, he says, fitting in or not. That's Jasper for you. Then again, people are more at ease with Jasper. Perhaps it is his ability.

I am still bored to tears here. I started reading a couple new books. In Cold Blood by a person named Capote has been interesting. It was the title that drew me in, obviously. The book wasn't what I expected, but a guy can get bored reading the same books over and over for decades and decades. I am working on a new song as well. I haven't been giving my piano playing much attention lately, especially since we spent all that time in Denali, so I am making up for it now.

Aside from that, things are calm on the front here. Boring, safe. It is good that way, don't get me wrong. It is just that I am so sick of life- or should I say death? Whatever in between I am trapped in, I am sick of this. I need a change. I need something. I guess I should go hunt. There are some elk in the nearby woods, they are a nice change for me. You get bored eating the same thing over and over. Maybe Jasper is up for a race to the woods. Be back later.

Fading

by Jessica L

Its been a couple of months since the party, and things seem to have died down a bit. The Cullen kids, as we are most often referred to, are no longer the main source of gossip among our peers at school. We take up the majority of our lunch table with our bodies and our backpacks, and ignore any occasional fool who sits anywhere we can't cover up, so our group of five is pretty much left alone. Alice makes isolated conversations with students here and there in class, but we keep to ourselves in the hallways, just like we usually did. For the most part, things are normal, as if the party never happened, and the gossip never got out of control.

Funny how humans work. Something will be the center of focus for a while, but it gets boring and something new comes along to take its place. We were sort of like that. Carlisle had considered moving again, but no-one really wanted to leave so quickly after getting here, and it isn't that bad of a place, really, better than some of the others we have been, so we decided to ride it out. Alice was a main factor in that decision. She couldn't see anything going bad if we decided to stay, so we did.

As far as the little group of girls that followed me around, I got creative with that one. One by one, I got them all matched up with various members of the basketball team. The girls weren't the most popular, but were all fairly pretty in their own sorts, so it wasn't hard once I laid down the ground work. A few notes placed in the right places, a little gossip spread here and there, and it was easy. I had a little help from Alice and Emmett of course. They helped spread the gossip to the right places, get things overheard and so forth.

One or two of the girls still think of me from time to time, like that crush that just didn't die out, but for the most part they are focused on their new boyfriends, making sure they attend the basketball games and show support. It makes things a lot easier for me, I don't have to block out thoughts of myself kissing various girls, or getting put in awkward positions in bedrooms while fathers are downstairs thinking we are going over geometry. Gross. Why girls' minds work the way they do I will never understand, even after thousands and thousands of years, I am sure of it.

At any rate, since we are seniors here, we have to get interested in the whole college thing. Rose and Emmett are going to attend the Mountain State right here in town, and Alice and Jasper are going to go to the bigger Marshal University half an hour away. I have absolutely no idea where to go. I am taking it a little more seriously because it might actually provide me with some education I haven't seen multiple times already. It could possibly be interesting. Do I want something new and exciting? Or do I want something traditional and established? I am so unsure, but I am used to that feeling.

I spend my life not knowing what I want or how to go about getting anywhere in particular. I follow the rest of my family along, while they have their matches, their identities, and what they feel makes them them but here I sit, unsure of who I am, bouncing from hobby to hobby and book to book and wondering who I am and what is missing. The worst part is that there is no end in sight. And what happens if the end does finally come? Do I burn in hell? Surely there is no heaven for a monster like me. Especially not after the things I have done in my life. I suppose the only thing I can do is keep searching for whatever it is I am searching for. Perhaps I will find it in college. Ha. At least it will be a new experience, as we do not get many of those when you live as long as we do.

I suppose that is all for now. Time to go downstairs and find something to do to take my mind off of myself and my endless wallowing. I seem to like that word. Wallowing. It encompasses me. Oh well. Until another time.

Unexpected Part 2

by Jessica L

CONTINUED from Unexpected part one....

I pulled Carlisle aside and told him what I knew. This was bad. This was very bad. We had a lot to deal with here, and obviously, we couldn't let this kid go home to tell the entire world and let him- and us- be destroyed by the Volturi. I could tell instantly from Carlisle's thoughts that he didn't want to harm a young boy who had parents at home worrying about him though, either.

So now what? Do we face his destruction- or ours?

It was obvious that we were going to have a problem on our hands either way. We needed to move quickly before we had a problem with all the boys. Carlisle had the same thought right when I did.

"You boys can go." He told them.

They started heading for the door as quickly as they could, with fleeting thoughts of Esme's lecture running through their heads. The leader had bigger plans on his mind.

"You- stay." Carlisle said firmly but kindly to the boy. Panic ran through his mind as he looked to the others, but they were already through the door, and I had a grip on the back of the boy's shirt, although I wasn't sure he realized it yet, I had grabbed it so quickly.

Once we had him alone in the room, we assigned Rosalie and Esme to guard over him while the rest of us discussed our options. We didn't have many. We couldn't kill him, he was just a kid. None of us were up for that. We couldn't just let him run away, either, because then we would all end up dead, him included. We probably couldn't trust him, and we couldn't convince him he was crazy, because just looking at us could make anyone who read those journals put two and two together. Our winning idea was mine, ultimately, but I wasn't proud of it. It stemmed from my past, and it made me feel horrible. The others were a little more optimistic about it. We were going to scare him into staying quiet.

The plan could be executed fairly easily. We were all in agreement, so we put it into action right away. As soon as we all got into the same room again, the boy spoke. Eager to make sure he kept himself alive, it seemed.

"I know what you are, and if anything happens to me, everyone else is going to find out, too." He said. His voice shook with fear. I laughed at him.

"You didn't tell anyone else about us, and you have no proof of what you THINK we are. But nice try." I told him, still laughing.

"That's what you think." He said, trying not to look afraid.

"No, I can read your mind." I told him,stepping closer. "Don't push me."

I heard his heart pick up in pace. Emmett must have heard it too, because he chuckled behind me. For the first time in a long time, Jasper wasn't letting out his soothing powers.

"You're lying." The kid said.

"Let's find out." I said. He didn't respond, but I picked up on his thoughts.

"Right now you're thinking this is crazy. And you're scared. But please don't pee your pants this is a nice rug, the restroom is down the hall on the left." I motioned the way with my hand. He stared at me dumbstruck and blinked several times. "And if you even think about that window again remind yourself that we can get outside faster than you can."

He walked quickly to the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

"That door won't help you much. We expect you back out here in five minutes or we're coming in." Emmett called.

He was back out in two and a half minutes. We were all sitting around casually in the sofa seats and chairs when he got out, grinning widely enough to show our big, white teeth. He got the message, and shuddered.

"Sit, relax." Jasper hissed at him mockingly. The kid quickly picked an empty spot and sat down.

"So here is how it is going to be." Emmett started. We all sat and listened patiently.

"You- my friend- are going to keep your mouth shut. We will know the second you even make up your mind to tell anyone- ANYONE- about who or WHAT you think we might be. And we will be waiting for you. You won't survive to tell your tale. You can go now." Carlisle's voice held none of the patience, understanding or kindness it usually bears.
The kid was out the door almost as fast as one of us could have been.

For the next week, we haunted him in his sleep. Literally. At a different time every night, one of us vampire boys silently sneaked into his bedroom and hovered over him, breathing on him until he realized we were there and woke up. It was terrifying for him to realize we had such access to him, even in his own house. Even when he'd scream, and his parents would come running down the hall, we were gone before they got there. He realized over the course of the week that there was nothing he could do and no-one he could tell, no-one who could save him.

As hard as it was for me to scare some poor, defenseless boy, I knew it was for his protection, and ours. I will try and take what I can from it, and move on. For now, we are staying in Charleston, at least until it is safe to move. We aren't sure what to do next. Alice doesn't foresee any problems, but just like it started, things can change in the blink of an eye, a last minute decision. We will keep our eyes open from now on. We will hunt in smaller groups. We will take more measures to protect ourselves and others. That is all we can really do. I just hope it isn't too late.

Easy Going

by Jessica L

Things have been going much smoother lately. It seems like scaring that poor boy was so long ago, it is hard to believe that was the last time I've written. To catch up on current events, we popped in on the trouble-making boy every now and then, trying to keep the thought fresh in his mind that he needed to keep quiet. Over the course of the summer, I monitored his thoughts and if it ever seemed like he was starting to get too comfortable, or feel too safe with the idea of telling someone about us, we paid him a surprise visit. It worked like a charm.

Rosalie and Emmett have been attending Mountain State University, like they planned, and Alice and Jasper are at Marshall University. Being the loner that I am, decided to take a year off to go do some travelling, but eventually ended up joining Alice and Jasper at Marshall. People don't really notice us there, as the classes are large, and the campus is diverse. We are just your typical college students to them, with our faces stuck in books, pale and withdrawn from too much studying, as far as anyone would assume. Since Alice and my last name is different from Jasper's, people usually assume that Alice and I are brother and sister and she is his girlfriend. We don't offer the foster story, and people really don't get nosy. It is nice to be with an older crowd that at is too caught up in themselves to worry about others. Or at least pretends to be.

Rosalie and Emmett are planning another wedding. It is going to be a big, gaudy affair in Paris this time. We will all fly out there, but they have been travelling back and forth to set things up. I swear Rosalie never gets worn out. At least this time she has managed to be gracious about the whole thing, and with Alice helping, it has been quite entertaining for the three girls to plan. We all have a week off in the spring, which is exactly when Rosalie plans on having the wedding. She wants lots of flowers blooming and tree blossoms for the photographs. Even Emmett is excited, despite the fact that Alice has picked out a light blue tuxedo with a big, ruffled shirt for him to wear. It is supposed to match the flowers perfectly, whatever that means. Girls.

When I'm not busy vocalizing how glad I am that I'm not Emmett in his powder blue suit (which usually lands me in a wrestling match in which Jasper gets involved to referee, because it is such a close match between Emmett's strength and my mind reading), I am usually studying. I actually get to take classes now that I haven't taken a million times already. College finally has something to offer me that high school did not. My favorite classes, of course, are humanities and philosophy. I love learning how how people think, why perhaps they think why they do, and how they lived the ways they did. It is incredible when you combine these classes with my innate ability for understanding the human thought process. When you can read minds, it brings philosophy to a new level.

Homework gives me something to do at night, at the least. I am usually a favorite among my professors, naturally. This tends to happen when everyone else in your house has other ways to spend their dusk hours and you are trying to kill time. My papers are always long, well thought out, and above par. I go beyond what is expected of me. In fact, now that I am thinking about it, I just got an idea for tonight's assignment. I should probably get started. Who knew- Edward, drowning his sorrows in schoolwork. I feel like a nerd. I wonder how long this will last? If I am lucky I can stretch it out a decade or so. Then again my luck never seems to take me far. Anyway, that is it for now. Be back when I have more to talk about.

Typical

by Jessica L

Again with the boredom. I am driving myself crazy here. College is about the only interesting thing I have going on. I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. Even Carlisle's little experiments with the "jedi mind tricks" on people have bored me. Not that they were that interesting to begin with- for me anyway.

For Carlisle they were like a child with a new toy- they gave him something new to play with, or perhaps a better way to describe it would be when you are a child and you get to go to a friend's house and play with their toys. Eventually, you realize that you have to give the toy back, it was never really yours, but it was fun while it lasted. Perhaps even better than playing with your old, boring toys at home. I was the child at home, and Carlisle was the child visiting, playing with my toys. I was bored already, but he was having so much fun, I didn't have the heart to tell him to go home.

At any rate, Rosalie and Emmett are counting down the days until their rapidly approaching wedding. Every flat surface in the house is covered with catalogs and magazines and clippings of brides, flowers, and cakes from various boutiques. I am trying to avoid Emmett, who wants to pin me down as his best man- again. It wouldn't be so bad except that I'd have to wear a matching powder blue suit like his. I think I'll pass that honor on to Jasper this time, and watch the incredible ceremony from the front row. Besides, someone has to pelt Emmett with rice when they walk down the aisle, and I want to make sure I get some in his mouth when people aren't looking.

Carlisle and Esme have been spending some time off and on in Isle Esme. They have been renovating their house on the island. From what I can tell, it is quite beautiful. They keep trying to get me to go, but the whole "honeymooners" vibe just turns me off the whole idea. Maybe some day. I hear the beach is quite amazing. Something worth checking out since our swimming capabilities are beyond belief considering we don't have to come up for air.

For now, I have been drowning my sorrows in classes, homework and music. I also got a new car. It was a 1974 Invader GT. The body style just looks incredible. I had to have it. I sold one of my old cars to make room for it, since Carlisle has limited us each to two cars while we live under his roof. He says we just don't have the room for it right now. It is understandable, but frustrating sometimes when I see a car that I really like. Of course, without Carlisle's rule, I would probably have our entire garage full of cars just myself.

My new song is almost finished, and I am quite pleased with it. It is a faster paced concerto, which I rarely do, but I like it. Esme thinks my composing is really coming along well. I like that she is proud of me. Other than that, not much else is new. I am still bored to death in this town. It is generally the same as any other town. I am still tired of myself, and tired of being alone. I am still lacking something in myself, and do not know what it is. Perhaps it is my humanity, which I will never get back. Perhaps it is my sanity, which I seem to lose from time to time as well.

Today seems to be one of those days where I feel a little out of sorts. Not necessarily down, but not happy either. I suppose there are never really happy days, now that I think about it. There are bad days, and okay days. I can't really remember my last happy day. I guess it doesn't really matter, I traded happy for immortality. A person has to compromise sometimes, right?

On that note, I suppose I should end things for tonight, before I get downright ugly with myself. I am getting philosophical. That is a bad sign. Time to say goodnight. So until next time, goodnight.

Depressed

by Jessica L

Things have certainly been different around the Cullen household lately. There is an edge or a funk hanging over the entire Mason house that just refuses to go away.

Rosalie and Emmett have returned to Indiana to resume their daily lives there. As if Julia leaving wasn't stigma enough, Rosalie and Emmett going home was the last straw. It is almost as though this big house is empty now. Regardless of the fact that there are still five of us flitting about, five of us who never sleep, never need any rest, or never need to eat. It still feels dismal, cold, and lonely. Maybe the never needing to eat part is half of the problem.

Esme hasn't been humming as she does her household chores. Carlisle doesn't rush home from the hospital quite as quickly as he used to. Alice has been holed up in her bedroom after school on most days, trying to get a grasp of whatever visions she thinks she is seeing. Carlisle made it clear that we should leave Julia to live her own life, but Alice is determined to figure out the Volturi thing. Yet apparently there is nothing more to figure out. She can only see a few members of the Volturi- and none of them ones that we recognize- moving about in formation, on the nightime streets in Italy. Nothing to worry about, and yet she keeps worrying.

Jasper has apparently been told- or perhaps he just knows- to leave Alice alone when she is trying to see whatever she thinks she needs to see. So he hangs around the rest of the house, sulking like a teenage boy whose girlfriend just dumped him, as though it were the end of the world. Sometimes he will read a book, or go hunting, or even watch television, but his heart isn't into anything- his heart is locked inside the room with Alice.

Meanwhile, I am keeping my mind and body busy about as effectively as Jasper- except without the pouting. I am trying to read, play piano, hunt a little more often than necessary. I even caught myself watching football the other day. Emmett would have been proud. When Carlisle comes home, I bombard him with my company, as does Esme. We fight over him like children seeking their father's company. Except that Esme is his wife and they need their alone time, so I usually lose that fight. I am eternally bored again. School is boring, life is boring. I have explored every inch of this house, and learned more than I could ever imagine about my family- and even that has begun to bore me. What is left?

Carlisle and Esme are planning another trip to Isle Esme soon. Then I will be even more bored. I am going to go out of my mind here. I think I am going to take a trip of my own as well. I met an intriguing vampire of interest while traveling not long ago- a friend of Carlisle's of course- and perhaps I will pay him a visit. He is somewhat nomadic, but settles for short periods of time. His philosophies and lifestyle are very interesting, similar to those of Plato- whom he admires greatly. Of course, he feeds off humans, but I can adjust around him. There is always plenty of wildlife. Last I knew he was living in a small cottage somewhere near South Africa. I think I will track him down with my amatuer tracking skills and pay him a visit for a while. It is about time I get some philosophy shoved down my throat anyway.

So for now, I am going to cut this short. I will take my journal with me on my travels, as I am not sure how long I will be staying or how long it will take me to find him. Olek is usually a man who doesn't seek to be found. I will write again soon.

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Inconsequential

Isle Esme

Monster Come True

Another One

Poor Rosalie

Fresh Start

Settled

Cover

Trends

Fading

Unexpected Part 2

Easy Going

Typical

Depressed