This is my version of Edward Cullen's thoughts and what he thought and felt during the entire time he was a vampire, including meeting, falling in love with, and starting a family with Bella Cullen, especially his life with Bella after the books end!
The entries are going to start coming very quickly and then slow down once I get them all posted, so please be patient, as I have just started this blog and am getting all of the kinks worked out!
In the meantime, please feel free to email me with any thoughts and ideas!
Before you do, though, please keep these things in mind:
If you’re emailing to ask how often a Journal Entry gets posted, there’s really no set date as of right now. I am trying to post as many as possible as fast as possible and once I get them up, I will set a regular schedule.
Also- I AM NOT Stephenie Meyer. I am a huge fan of the Twilight Series, and what she has done with it, however, and in the spirit of all things Twilight, and Edward Cullen, have decided to start this site. Also, because I am not Stephenie Meyer, I may not say or do things in my story line that match up entirely with hers. I will try and keep things (in the past) as close as possible for you Twilight lovers, but in the spirit of Edward lovers, this is his story (or my version of it, anyway) and things may not always be exactly the same. I will try not to make any major errors, though. LOL
If you do email me, please keep in mind that while I do read all of your emails, however unfortunately at this point cannot guarantee that I can write you all back. I get such a high volume of emails right now that while each one is just as important as the next, and I wish I had time to get back to them all, I just dont have the time, as I have to focus on writing more Edward entries! :)
I do get back to as many as I can though.
I will be adding a FAQ page soon, so I can answer all your questions, and I will also start adding recent Twilight news!
Thanks!!
**Not in any way affiliated to Stephanie Meyer or endorsed by her or her publishing company.**
I cant hardly stand it- this life of mine. If you can call it a life. I don't know how Carlisle can take it. Well, I do actually, because I've heard it in his thoughts. He sees the world so much differently than I do. If he had known for even one second the disdain for which I would have held this life, he never would have saved me.
Keeping this promise to my mother was the worst thing he has ever done. I have nothing to live this eternal life for. It has been hard to keep these thoughts from him. Almost impossible. When you can see everything inside someone's head, and you spend each moment of the day with them it is easy to share everything and keep no secrets. He has often pulled me from the depths of despair.
Perhaps that is why journaling comes so easily to me. I have so much to say, and no-one to say it to. My only true friend feels guilty for bringing me into this dark world, and cannot always keep me on the right side of the line. Sometimes it seems almost impossible to live life Carlisle's way. He made a promise to my mother and I intend to help him keep it. It has only been a couple of years since I have been this thing, this vampire, and time goes by fast, or so it seems. But in a sense, it also drags on.
I don't understand how he can so easily choose this lifestyle and yet he cannot understand how I am struggling so hard. My struggle is not with tasting human blood, that part is easy. My struggle is with staying alive. I do not want to be here. I would rather cease to exist at all than live life as a monster. I was designed to feed on human beings. My mother is gone. My life as I know it, all of my friends, my home, my life, gone. I cannot seem to let go and yet I have so little to hold onto. A few trinkets and a couple photographs. One of my mother, one of my grandmother, and one of me as a baby.
I have fallen into a deeper depression each year, it seems. The days blend into the nights and do not stop. Time for a vampire goes quickly, however for me it drags on endlessly because I do not want this life. I don't want to be here, nor do I want anything life has to offer me. I am dragging on, like a spoiled child being dragged through the candy store after her father refuses to buy one last soda. I am kicking and screaming, and Carlisle is dragging me on.
We had a long talk the other night, when the world was sleeping. We- of course- do not sleep. Vampires do not need sleep, so we continue on through the night. There are many things we do not need, in fact. It is the lack of sleep that I find the hardest, however. The extra time on my hands has been difficult to handle. I do not always know what to do with myself. Carlisle has his work with the hospital, and that keeps him busy, gives him a purpose. I have no purpose.
Carlisle has told me that he often wonders if saving me was a good idea. I have seen this in his thoughts many times already, of course. Hearing him say it out loud filled me with shame, however. He brought me a suggestion: he wants to find me a mate. It might be a good idea, although I do not know how I could ever find love in a world so dark, so full of nothing. He is certain that there is someone out there for me, and does not want me to give up on the world.
Maybe I should take up another hobby. I am running out of things to do to fill my time. I have read many books and seen many places. I saw a beautiful piano in a storefront the other day that caught my eye. Perhaps I will go take a look. I have always had a fondness for music.
Well, I am not really sure how it happened. Our pair of vampires has become a trio. Carlisle had seen a woman in the morgue and insisted he change her for some reason or another, and of course the idea made me nervous, as my feelings of being a vampire aren't the greatest. The next thing I knew, however, Esme was one of us. She is a wonderful woman. She is kind, caring, warm. The way she takes care of us already comes out in everything she does.
Her story is rather interesting, she is fairly young, and had just given birth to a son. Her son died shortly after birth, and in the distress of losing her baby, Esme threw herself off of a cliff in an attempt to commit suicide. Upon all appearances, her attempt was successful- they even took her body to the morgue, but Carlisle saw her, and heard her heart faintly beating. Being an attractive woman with an obviously strong will to survive- he decided to spare her life and seize this rare opportunity, giving her immortality.
Carlisle seems to have loved her from the moment he saw her in the morgue. I am not sure how that is possible, as I do not understand either women, nor love. Women and I do not seem to have a fondness for each other. That is not to say that there are not beautiful women in this world, for there certainly are. I think that perhaps I have just grown so disgusted with myself that I do not feel as though I deserve love, nor could I ever give love to anyone else.
I am not sure if I will ever know love in this lifetime of mine. I am- after all- doomed to live for eternity. I did not know a woman's love during my human life, for I was 17 when I died, which was not particularly young, but not old enough to have experienced much of the world. Of course, many people court and find love in their late teens and early twenties, however it was only my parents and I, and my responsibilities were enough to keep me grounded and tied down as it were. Love was the least of my concerns.
Now that I am a vampire, I hear the thoughts of the women around me and I know that they are attracted to me. I went through phases, first I was embarrassed by the attention, then I was flattered and even enjoyed it. However, before I could really get to the point where I would have taken any sort of advantage of my looks, which are enhanced by my vampire abilities, Carlisle explained to me that my attractive qualities are purely a ploy, a tactic designed to lure my prey. The mere thought made me sick for a long time. Just one more reason to be considered a monster.
The one thing that neither Carlisle nor I expected was the feelings that would emerge between Esme and Carlisle once Esme finished changing. It was incredibly powerful and something neither of them can deny either to themselves or each other. I have never believed in soul mates before but the intensity of the feelings I hear in their thoughts about one another has changed my beliefs of that subject entirely in a very short period of time. These two are certainly meant to be together. Perhaps one of the reasons he found her in the morgue- or chose her, I should say- is because he already had some of the attraction for her in her human form that he now feels for her as a vampire. It seems as though they are connected on a level deeper than I can understand, and sometimes I wonder if there is something Carlisle has not told me. I can almost hear it in his thoughts, but yet it is not quite there. It is frustrating.
The passion between them is so strong, it is very likely unbreakable. Any separation of the two would probably cause unsurmountable pain for them both. My guess is that if one were destroyed the other would follow along and do their best to join the other in the nothingness that we become after this eternity ends. It is any wonder why Carlisle wants to find me a mate, this feeling between them is incredible.
Carlisle has seen this before, naturally. Since I am a young vampire, I have not. There is so much more that Carlisle knows that I don't. Needless to say, if Carlisle could be considered my father, at least in a vampire sense, I now have a mother as well. At least, she dotes on me, taking care of me. Carlisle's worries about me are now doubled within her as well, and she takes extra care to be sweet to me and coddle me and my every need as a mother would. I must admit, it has been a very long time since I have felt a mother's love and it is a nice feeling. I do not mind having Esme around and her presence is warm and soothing.
It does not completely fill this black ache inside me but it helps to have another soul around to keep me busy. On that note, I bought the piano a while back and isn't it ironic, Esme can play a little bit. She has been teaching me the basics, but I am learning fast so I believe I will have to get a more professional source of teaching soon. I have a few connections down south that are wonderful musicians, perhaps I will travel a while and see if they need a new pianist to come bother them. I am loving this new talent of mine, I am finding music to be very comforting.
Things have been interesting around here lately. I have given up on the way things used to be between my former self and my new self. The things I have done during my travels and time abroad have changed me forever. My fears of what I am- who I am- have manifested themselves and I have allowed myself to become my own worst enemy. I am battling that every day and working hard on moving past the things I have done so that I can be a better Edward. Carlisle has complete faith in me, naturally. How he can even welcome me back into his home I do not understand. That man is truly the saint everyone says he is. He has become more of a father to me than ever before.
We have moved again, and found a new home in Rochester, New York. It is nice here, I suppose. Another place, new faces, like always. I am used to it. Carlisle and Esme are pretending to be brother and sister in public here, rather than husband and wife, which causes some strain on their daytime hours, but we manage. We are a family, after all. Carlisle is working during the day most days anyways.
Esme has been quite impressed by how fast I have learned to play piano, to have something positive to say, at least. I have gone from playing piano to composing my own songs. Writing music and then playing it out has been a great outlet for me. It lifts some of the dark feelings and makes me feel as though I have a talent at something, a purpose. I have even started writing Esme a song of her own, although it isn't nearly finished.
That isn't the interesting part of my life, however. What is interesting is that we found a half-dead girl lying in the alley. Well, Carlisle wanted to save her of course. We thought some thugs had roughed her up and left her for dead, but they didn't do the job quite right because she wasn't dead enough. She was fighting for her life. She was quite the fighter, in fact. Rosalie Hale, the most beautiful girl in town. I had to hear all about it in her thoughts as she lay bleeding on the pavement. She couldn't believe that she was dying, so young, so beautiful, without a child, without a family of her own. Jealous of some girl and her baby, jealous of everyone who had what she didn't even though she was more beautiful than most and she knew it. She coveted her own beauty.
Her beauty was half of the reason I wanted to leave her lying there. Surely someone was going to recognize her. We were going to have to move. Leave town. I knew the second I suggested leaving her there that Carlisle had already made up his mind. Her change didn't take long though, and soon we were on our way to find our new home.
Rosalie didn't like me. She mistook my wanting to leave her for dead as not liking her, and added to that the fact that I wasn't attracted to her and resented me for it. Not to say she isn't beautiful, because everyone in the free world knows she is. But like every other woman in this world, she means nothing more to me than anyone else.
Carlisle wants me to give her a chance. She is part of our family now, he says. That is fine. My sister, Rosalie Hale. She has already taken revenge on those who left her for dead. The men we thought were thugs were actually her fiance and his friends. Another reason I do not need a mate. If that is love, I can live without it.
How she was capable of murdering seven people- her fiance, the four friends that helped attack her (I will spare the details here)- and her fiance's two bodyguards- without succumbing to the smell of blood, is beyond me. As a newborn, she should have been overwhelmed by it, and gone wild with thirst. She was apparently controlled, and with purpose, however. I was impressed, as I have done similar things in the past. Of course, I am over these sort of inhuman acts, and hopefully this will be the last of Rosalie's. At least now we have something in common though. We both know how it feels to try and right a wrong with another wrong, and still feel wrong.
She has eased up on me a little bit in the past few days, perhaps I should do the same. A little give a take wouldn't hurt anyone. And I will stop reading her thoughts. All of the "Poor Me"s and "I Look Lovely Today"s are wearing on my nerves.
While looking super hot in his Airbender gear, Jackson is pictured for his movie in The Last Airbender. Below are some excerpts from the magazine:
SNMag: What kind of stunts did you have to do?
JR: Mostly it was hand to hand combat. My character doesn’t have any special abilities…so I’d do a lot of scenes where I fight off guys with swords and spears and all I had to fight with was the boomerang. It’s a little bit nerve-wracking, even when it’s a plastic sword coming at you.
SNMag: What was your initial reaction when you were cast in Twilight?
JR: It’s a great book series and Jasper has such a lush backstory so I was just really excited. But then I started getting calls from my cousins and they were even more excited than me so that kind of upped the ante – playing a character that my family knows and are excited about seeing me portray on the big screen.
Photo by Elena Dorfman
SNMag: Did you realize then it would kick-start your career?
JR: I don’t think it really hit me until I walked the red carpet at the premiere of Twilight. That’s when it was first like, "Oh wow, this is going to be a new experience for me.”
SNMag: What’s one of the most memorable fan encounters you’ve had?
JR: We were filming up in Vancouver for New Moon and I was on my way to get Starbucks. A bunch of fans surrounded me and so I was taking pictures and signing autographs and this woman comes up to me with a 2-year-old child and, without saying a word, hands me her kid and steps back to take a picture. It was just kind of awkward because the kid’s looking at me like, “Who are you?” and I’m looking at the kid like, “I’m sorry, man, I have no idea what’s going on either.” So she snapped a photo, took her kid back and walked away. It’s kind of odd to have a stranger shove a child in your arms.
SNMag: Do we get to see a new side of Jasper in Eclipse?
JR: Yes, we get to see Jasper back when he was a human which was back in the Civil War. So I got to ride a horse again - I grew up riding so it was fun to get back to that.
SNMag: Were you at all into vampire movies before you were cast in Twilight?
JR: I’ve definitely been a fan of the vampire genre for a long time. Interview with the Vampire is an incredible film. I’ve always loved the Dracula films. And Nosferatu is a beautiful, well-crafted film from the 20s that still holds up today, in my opinion.
Get more from the interview here.
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Posted by Jessica L
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Posted by Jessica L
BREAKING DAWN is scheduled to hit theaters on November 18, 2011!!! YAY!
Also- As of now, confirmed release dates for Eclipse are:
United States - 30 June 2010
Australia - 1 July 2010
New Zealand - 1 July 2010
Singapore - 1 July 2010
Slovakia - 1 July 2010
Iceland – 2 July 2010
Turkey – 2 July 2010
France – 7 July 2010
Estonia – 9 July 2010
Lithuania – 9 July 2010
UK – 9 July 2010
Germany – 15 July 2010
More release dates posted soon!
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March 16, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Eclusive behind the scenes footage of New Moon released by Access Hollywood
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March 16, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Summit looks at possible directors for “Breaking Dawn”
In a small article posted earlier today, Entertainment Weekly reported that Summit is rumored to be looking at a select few Academy Award directors to take on the final installment of The Twilight Saga.
“The studio has reached out to at least three top-notch directors, including Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation), Gus Van Sant (Milk), and Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) to gauge their interest in what is likely to be two movies.”
Though Summit declined to comment and representatives for Coppola and Condon have yet to respond, EW was able to confirm that director Gus Van Sant has been approached.
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March 11, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Eclipse Official Trailer
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March 10, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Eclipse 10 second Teaser Trailer
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March 8, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Anna Kendrick, Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart at the Oscars
As we all know, in Hollywood, Oscar night is a night to impress. Our favorite Twilight stars didn't let us down.
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March 8, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart at the Oscars
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March 5, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
The Last Airbender - Trailer
Here is the newest trailer of Jackson Rathbone's upcoming movie The Last Airbender. It is set to be released in theaters this July.
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March 5, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Chris Weitz's thoughts on directing Breaking Dawn
We still are not sure if or when Breaking Dawn will be filmed, or if it will be made into two films, but we do know New Moon director Chris Weitz may not be involved, according to an interview with MTV News.
“But I think I’m on record saying I have a 2-and-a-half-year-old son, and each one of these movies — especially because it’d be such a long shoot as ‘Breaking Dawn’ — it kind of brings me to the edge of my physical and mental endurance,” he said. “And I just don’t believe I have it in me, and I think that it’s appropriate that someone else go ahead and do it.”
He also spoke about the possible two-part 3-D movie, agreeing that Breaking Dawn should be two films and that 3-D could work.
“I think that 3-D is great so long as it’s not used in a gimmicky fashion and it can supply extraordinary depth to the visual experience,” Weitz told MTV News. “And it’s great because it brings people to the theater, and filmmakers always want people to see things in the largest format possible.”
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March 5, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Chris Weitz's biggest regret with New Moon
HitFix had the opportunity to preview the New Moon DVD Commentary and they revealed this tidbit:
Speaking to Weitz earlier this week, the director laughed about the moment and admitted that he discovered the mistake a bit too late.
“I think it could have been less than an Arcadian fairy tale running through the foresty movement and more of an abstract at Kristen flash on her face,” Weitz says of what he would have changed. “That would have avoided laughter, which wasn’t only heard at the premiere where there are cynics and jaded Hollywood types, but the most packed fan screenings.”
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March 4, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
ECJ FanFic Contest
Due to our absence the past month (sorry about that everyone...long story) we will be not be announcing the winner until next Tuesday. We apologize for the delay once again and are grateful for all our wonderful supporters.
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March 4, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
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March 3, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Oscar producers asked Stephenie Meyer and JK Rowling to present this year.
A report from The Los Angeles Times reveals that this year’s Oscar producers wanted Stephenie and JK Rowling to present an award together. However both ladies declined the offer.
The pair even wanted “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling and “Twilight” scribe Stephenie Meyer to present the adapted screenplay category, but Rowling was unavailable because of scheduling conflicts and Meyer, who is a Mormon, does not work on Sundays.
“The younger side of the audience has been drifting for years, so we’re more conscious of trying to build a youth element into the show,” Mechanic said.
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March 3, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Robert Pattinson Tweets fans from Summit Entertainment account
Robert Pattinson star of Twilight films tweets to fans today about his current film Remember Me, to be released in theaters March 12th. From Rob - Just heard about "Remember Me Saturday" and I can not believe you guys are doing that for me. #RememberMe From Rob (cont’d) - Thank you all for always being so supportive. #RememberMe From Rob (cont’d) - I'm very proud of the film and I hope you like it as much as I do. #RememberMe
You can follow Summit's account here.
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March 2, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Robert Pattinson promotes Remember Me on Today Show
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March 1, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Rob Pattinson on Jimmy Fallon: a new spoof and an interview
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March 1, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Rob’s Remember Me press interviews from Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight
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March 1, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Robert Pattinson To Be Immortalized In Wax At Madame Tussauds
As reported by MTV.com, Madame Tussauds will feature a wax model of Rob Pattinson in both their New York City and London museums. This way fans on either side of the pond get a chance to oogle at him. Photos of the mold were released today showing the progress on Robert’s head.
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February 14, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Robert in Details Magazine
*Warning!! There are explict pictures in this article.*
Details magazine conducted a very intimate interview and photo shoot with our beloved Robert Pattinson. Please be advised if you read or look at this material that there is both explict language and adult content involved.
Interivew Photo shoot
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February 11, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Happy Birthday Taylor Lautner!
MTV Montage video wishing Taylor Lautner a Happy Birthday...
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February 11, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Robert Pattinson spoof by Jimmy Fallon
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February 8, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
New Eclipse Stills?
We are still checking into the validity of these but for the mean time, they are pretty to look at...
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February 8, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
MTV posts photos of a sensual Rob Pattinson in Remember Me
MTV.com has put two new photos online from the upcoming Summit film “Remember Me” starring Rob Pattinson:
Looking at these two pics, we can safely say that Emilie de Ravin wasn’t lying when she told MTV News last month that she and Rob hit it off right away. “I flew to New York to test with Rob and we immediately got along and had instant great chemistry, which is not an easy thing to come by,” she said. “Obviously you’re acting, but you want to have that connection with somebody. We had it.”
The film will hit theaters March 12th!
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February 6, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Eclipse director David Slade is tweeting again!
The director of Eclipse took to his official Twitter account to let fans know he’s editing the film:
Cutting like crazy, the film is getting closer working through the weekends again, adding more EDWARD!
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February 2, 2010 Posted by Jeanne M.
Borders announces New Moon DVD midnight release parties
Borders’ just-announced their New Moon midnight release parties!
Participating Borders stores will be hosting parties starting at 10 PM on Friday, March 19th. You’ll be able to participate in their New Moon Movie Awards, among other things!
Call your local store to see if they’ll be hosting one. ____________________________________________________________________________________
